Against the Dying of the Light
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: She was a witch trapped in her own personal nightmare, until an unlikely source provided salvation. The Grail Wars. For the first time since the war, Phoebe Potter-Black has a chance to rewrite her own fate and gain the family she always wanted but was always denied. The only problem? There are two spirits who are eager to fight for her hand! Post Hogwarts with Fem Harry
1. Chapter 1

Disillusionment and cold hard truth was a hard thing to take sometimes. As was betrayal and being almost locked into a loveless marriage she had never wanted in the first place to a man she would gladly kill if she thought for a second it would get her out of this mess.

At least they weren't trying to turn her into a weapon. After the war, she had lost any love for magic and had forgotten her wand so often that she quit caring.

And after the fifth time she showed up to Gringotts without a wand, people started to believe she had lost her magic in the fight with Voldemort. As a consequence, the Ministry didn't even try to make her their personal attack dog. Instead they more or less forgot she even existed.

However the downside was that no one thought twice about marrying her off in hopes of at least salvaging the Potter line.

However she had seen that coming a mile away after realizing people were looking at her with pity. Once she had a large enough stockpile that she promptly placed into a muggle bank, she sealed all her vaults and left the magically binding contracts she had made during her tenure in Hogwarts in a simple safety deposit box that no one outside of her would be able to get to. With her money safely secured and with no feasible way for the Ministry to get anywhere near it, she started making long and short term goals.

Goal one: eliminate Ronald without anyone realizing he was no longer an issue. This was quickly proven to be a short term goal once she started paying for black market painkillers and sleeping aids. A half-pill of each and he was out like a light...and that was _after_ she had neutered the bastard so he would never touch her.

If Molly was expecting children, she should never have forcibly married her youngest son with a young woman who was a fully trained vet with access to legal drugs and the ability to trick her new 'husband' into his animal form when she had the right tools on hand. Ron lost his ability to continue the Weasly line the very night they were wed and she talked him into transforming into his animal form right after drugging him for the first time. The rest was child's play.

Yes, taking those night classes had been a bitch and a half during the war, and she probably shouldn't have stolen so many muggle drugs, but to be honest she wasn't regretting it one bloody bit.

Goal two: find a way to break the fake marriage contract and make sure they didn't try it again with someone worse.

She would have killed Ron ages ago if she were certain they wouldn't put her with some other intolerable inbred moron she couldn't keep in line through drugs and laziness. Draco, for instance, might have been a fool but he wouldn't have been as malleable as Ron was. Ron was easy to take care of...he was the magical equivalent of her idiot cousin Dudley. Just feed him until he was ready to pop with a few mashed up pills, and he would be too tired to do anything. Combine that with the fact she had literally removed his balls, and he wasn't likely to touch her anytime soon.

Goal three: insure these idiot magicals never had the chance to cross her again. That was easy enough to accomplish...years of living with the Durselys had taught her a valuable skill.

Bolt holes and back-up plans. The goblins had a high-stakes tournament for those rich enough to pay for the buy-in, and she hadn't bothered to do anything with her vaults.

So long as she didn't try to claim her full power, the ones who kept her ignorant and downtrodden never paid her any mind. They thought she spent all those hours on insane shopping sprees.

Five hundred galleons and anyone could buy a time turner. She just kept it hidden from everyone and never bothered to use it at Hogwarts.

She spent more time in Gringotts in those poker tournaments than anywhere else...and during third year while the others were feeling good about getting out of the drafty old castle, she tricked the older students into her own mini-tournament.

If she wanted, she could bankrupt the entire magical community through their children alone. Or at least cripple it so severely it would take centuries to recover. Malfoy was one of her favorite victims. The goblins either didn't know or didn't care about that fact. After she sealed the vaults she never took another step in the bank, which was just fine by them.

Once she found a way to close ranks against the sheer stupidity of the magicals, she was going to drain the bank dry and invest in the Dwarves, who at least know about the muggles and their advancements.

Most might try their luck with the gnomes, but she was no fool. Gnomes didn't wield actual weapons or know the value of protecting what was theirs.

Besides, they hated the goblins almost as much as she did and they would delight in draining the infamous Gringotts bank dry and denying the wizards any chance of reclaiming the gold. When she finally stole the gold, they were planning to declare her an honorary dwarf for the blow she was about to deliver to the goblins and their 'allies'.

In between working towards her long-term goals, continuing her job as a veterinarian's assistant (she could do almost everything _except_ prescribe medication, and the office she worked for was so loose no one thought twice about her stealing from the painkillers so long as there was a decent supply), and finding out what the hell had been in her mother's vault, her days were kept busy.

So far she had determined the odd athame she had found was used to break something, but she had yet to figure out what. It was so thin it barely qualified as a ritual dagger and it looked like it would break if she tried to use it for anything practical. And it was old, really old.

As far as she had been able to tell, it was Greek in origin. That was the most she had been able to figure out.

Finding out her mother had been an Unspeakable had been a nice surprise. Learning they weren't trying to reclaim her research (it had been declared a dead area so they could care less) was an even better surprise.

At least it gave her something to do when she was bored.

* * *

"What the hell?" she muttered, not even wincing at the blood running down her arm.

"How interesting," said the latest pet owner. He had red eyes and graying hair, but she had ignored it. Just because most of the imbeciles that littered the magical world thought red eyes were a sign of evil didn't mean she did.

"Pick up or drop off?" she asked.

"If by drop off you mean some books."

"This is a veternary clinic sir. If you don't have a pet, I wouldn't be able to help you," she said tersely.

"Is that anyway to talk to the man who could help you with the problem you have?" he asked.

"What problem is that?"

"These...wizards...think you are nothing but an airheaded former witch, correct?"

She sat up.

"What do you want?"

"I'm bored, and watching the wizards run around like headless chickens is amusing enough that I would be willing to help. You can't keep them at bay for much longer without them wondering why Ron has yet to impregnate you...especially considering his family history," said the man. She winced.

She had completely forgotten about the small fact that most Weasleys were rather...fertile...in concerns to having children. Fleur was already pregnant by Bill again, which spoke volumes about how strong the genes were.

"So what would you suggest?"

"There is a tournament in Japan. It is one full of endless possibilities...and one wish. Those markings on your hand mean you have been selected to be a Master."

"Great...another tournament."

"Yes, but in this one you can kill the other competitors to make it easier."

That made her perk up.

"So what's the catch?"

"The catch is that you and your 'Servant' have to be the last one standing to get the wish."

"I don't need a wish. If I did have it all I would do with it is reverse time and make their lives an even bigger hell than before."

The man's grin was evil. Strangely, she didn't feel afraid of it.

"So what do I do?"

His grin widened.

* * *

It was almost the exact hour of Samhain that she was cursed with the title of Savior, and she was going to attempt something she hadn't done in years.

Magic.

She bleed freely onto the circle. She was doing this in Grimmauld because one, she knew no one in their right mind would bother coming here considering how wrecked it was, and two, because it was isolated and protected. She had remade the Fidelius charm so no one could possibly find her, and no one would think she would return because of how many bad memories she had.

It was no comfort to know that this was almost literally her last chance to be free of the idiocy of England.

She took a deep breath. She felt her magic at it's peak as the full moon hit her circle.

"_Silver and Iron to the Origin._

_Gem and the Archduke of Contracts to the Cornerstone._

_The Ancestor is my Great Master Shweinorg._

_The Alighted Wind becomes a Wall._

_The Gates in the four directions close,_

_coming from the Crown,_

_the three-forked road that leads to the Kingdom circulate._

_Shut (Fill). Shut (Fill). Shut (Fill). Shut (Fill). Shut (Fill)._

_Repeat every five times._

_Simply, shatter once filled._

_I announce._

_Your self is under me,_

_my fate (doom) is in your sword._

_In accordance with the approach of the Holy Grail,_

_if you abide by this feeling, this reason, then answer._

_Here is my Oath._

_I am the one who becomes all the good in the World of the Dead,_

_I am the one who becomes all of the evils in the World of the Dead._

_You, Seven Heavens clad in three words of Power,_

_arrive from the ring of deterrence,_

_O Keeper of the Balance!"_

The magic rose into a crescendo with her voice, as something reached and touched the marks on her hand.

There, on the far end of the circle itself (she had made it big so as not to make any mistakes) was a figure. She was clad in black with white hair and countless healing scars.

"I ask of you, are you my Master?"

She sounded young. Too young.

"Oh you poor thing," said Phoebe.

For some bizarre reason known only to those who knew James Potter, her father named her Maleficent after the great sorceress who was so powerful that she had put an entire kingdom to sleep.

The fact that in the muggle stories she was the villain was apparently something that had been lost to him, and Lily had been beyond horrified when she came out of her potion-induced painkillers. The moment she gained her wand she hexed her husband to London and back for giving their daughter such a terrible name.

Hence why she usually went by 'Fin' instead. Much less embarrassing than being called Phoebe Maleficent Corvus Potter-Black.

The girl froze as Phoebe hugged her. Slowly she hid her daggers and tentatively hugged her new Master back.

Phoebe bent down to her level.

"What's your name little one?"

"...Assassin."

"I meant your real name, not the card I drew. Though it does seem fitting that I would end up with the silent death Servant."

"...Jack..."

"Well Jackie, from now on we're going to have a lot of fun. And don't mind the fat red head you'll see later. He'll die by my hand once his usefulness is over with, if he's lucky," said Phoebe cheerfully.

Jack leaned into the hug a little more. She liked this Master.

* * *

Phoebe got ready to leave for Japan. Ron would be coming as well for 'support'...more like spare parts to her. Molly was thrilled her 'daughter-in-law' was trying to bring back her magic, which they had believed as lost.

Short of having a child, the Potter vaults were completely closed off, to Molly's despair. They thought it had been the goblin's revenge for the fact Phoebe had broken in during the war...they had no idea she had sealed them off herself. Outside of the payments for taxes and the like, not a single knut left the vault. She still received gold from the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, as their partner, but she couldn't touch a single coin of it.

Jackie, as Phoebe affectionately called her, stayed glued to her side. The first thing Phoebe had done was take her on a long shopping spree for clothes, which was why Jack was currently wearing a hoodie with black and white coloring, a pair of jeans and a cute backpack with the emblem of a popular muggle movie series called _Monster High_. Specifically the skull with the bow on the side.

It suited the Assassin servant bizarrely well.

Once she was properly prepared for an all-out war, Phoebe dragged her 'husband' to the muggle air port. In a pet container. It was cheaper than buying three plane tickets for someone who would be doped up the entire flight, and this way she got to enjoy her trip.

"Momma, can I have some ice cream?" asked Jack. Jack seemed to have adopted Phoebe as her mother, and considering what Zelretch told her as her origins, Phoebe didn't mind.

Who knew Jack the Ripper had been a girl who had lost her innocence because of the fact she had to grow up on the streets without anyone to care for her. The entire reason she became a murderer was in a vain attempt to find a mother. So long as Phoebe fulfilled that role (she didn't mind it), Jack would never turn her blades on her and would defend her with her dying breath.

"Of course you can sweetie," said Phoebe with a smile. Being around Jack was the only time she ever smiled...most of her life had been filled with pain, so she knew what it was like to go hungry. Jack selected a scope of chocolate, which had been a luxury in her time, and the vendor gave her a double on the house.

By the time they left England far behind, Phoebe was grinning. One way or another she would find someone to act as her shield against any more marriage contracts...because the tournament didn't have a set end date, it gave her some leeway. At least Zelretch (who gave her the book on how to summon Jack and the basic gist of the tournament called "Heaven's Feel" for some reason) finally told her what the dagger her mother had in her vault was.

Rule Breaker, a weapon specifically designed to destroy magic and magical contracts. A weak Noble Phantasm once wielded by none other than Medea, the Witch of Betrayal...though she could also be summoned as the Princess of Colchis, before she had been used by Aphrodite.

She was going to find a way to earn it's allegiance or die trying. A dagger like that would be beyond useful and it would piss off so many people!


	2. Chapter 2

Phoebe took a deep, long breath of Japanese air. There was something about it that seemed different yet-oh-so-right. It took her a few moments to realize what it was.

Freedom. For the first time in far too long, she was finally free from the stupidity that littered England's magical societies. Jack's hand slid into her own, and she smiled at the girl. The two got off the plane, collected the still out-cold form of Ron in the carrier...Phoebe hadn't cared to deal with drugging him so she just dosed him with Draught of the Living Death until she was ready to deal with his pathetic self again. So much simpler and she didn't have to clean up after him. Just move him every so often to make it look like he was awake.

The first thing she had to do was check out the house Zelretch had bought for them a month in advance, then go grocery shopping.

However her goals were immediately derailed the moment she saw a purple haired girl with a dead look in her eyes. Like she had given up hope a long time ago, and had learned not to expect anything good to happen without something absolutely horrible happening after.

It was one she had before she decided to insure Ron never touched her or got her pregnant...and then proceeded to get him hooked on legal muggle drugs.

She followed the girl to a mansion that gave her a bad feeling. It was like walking into one of Voldemort's bases when the Death Eaters were having a bit of 'fun'. Death, torture and many unspeakable acts all under one roof.

She would call Zelretch to ask what he knew of the girl she had seen...and if it would be worth 'volunteering' Ron for it in exchange for the girl. Not like he was of much use to her outside of a shield against idiots anyway.

Phoebe went the indirect route when it came to finding out why the girl had such a dead look in her eyes. She kidnapped the arrogant bastard who came out of the same house she had gone into and forcibly tore the information from his mind. What she saw utterly disgusted her.

There was no way in hell she was letting this stand. Fortunately she had a way of getting the girl out.

From what she got from the fool, Shin-something, the one he called Grandfather might be interested in turning a wizard into his next vessel. Enough so that he might be willing to part with the girl, Sakura.

She always knew Ron would be good for something...and as long as the body lived, the contract would still be in effect. At least until she broke it.

The boy left, his mind blocking out the memory of what happened. All he would know was he decided to skip school to pick up some easy girls...entirely unaware that she had knocked him out in her disgust his attitude and performed the same procedure that insured Ron would never get her pregnant.

Be a nice little surprise for the idiot when he realized he had pissed off the wrong witch and ended up neutered.

She walked calmly up to the estate armed with the Elder wand and the still unconscious form of Ron Weasley. Time to put the useless lout to some good.

She knocked on the door.

* * *

Zouken Matou was many things. Monster, Magus...but a fool was not one of them. Seeing the unconscious body of the man behind the strange woman who literally walked into his house and offered a trade, he knew something was up. Even with her assurances that the body possessed the same power she just displayed with a few words and a stick. A _stick_.

A single conjuration with no signs of deterioration and he wanted it. However a magus cannot become a wizard. A wizard could be magus-trained, but a magus couldn't spontaneously gain a magical core.

Not without a transferal of conscience and a hostile takeover.

Zouken looked at the girl with greed in his eyes.

"So what do you want in exchange for this body?"

"The girl. The one called Sakura. You get the body of a young wizard perfect for molding however you see fit, and I get her. I have a...use...for someone like her," she replied evenly. "I'll even throw in his wand and enough galleons to buy another if it doesn't suit you."

Zouken sneered. He had little use for Sakura outside of a body, and if he did this then he would have almost _no_ use for her outside of using her as a lesser grail, if that. Besides, with the worm in her heart, he could possess her at any time, but the same couldn't be said of this body. No matter how...poor...the condition of it was.

"Deal. Where should I send the girl?" asked Zouken.

The girl rattled off a location far enough from her house that he wouldn't be able to find her simply by following the teen.

* * *

Shortly after Sakura returned home, Zouken had her gather her things and told her where to go. The girl didn't question him, thinking this was some new form of hell she had to endure. She had been broken long ago.

It took little time and a little more walking before Sakura entered the rather pleasantly furnished home. That was when she got the shock of her life as the woman shifted form to a rather tired looking raven-haired beauty that would put her former sister to shame.

"I freaking hate whatever the hell that _thing_ you call Grandfather is."

Sakura stared blankly at her.

"Relax. You don't have to go back to that creepy ass worm pit ever again. Not if I have anything to say about it."

Sakura felt the faint stirrings of hope. Hope that she had thought long since quashed.

"...What do you mean?"

"I mean I tricked that creepy monster you called a Grandfather into accepting a wizard's body that will never have an heir. Once I add you to my family, the Matou clan will become permanently extinct," said the woman with an evil grin.

Sakura blinked.

"What?"

"Look, why don't you sit down while I make some tea and I'll explain things properly."

Sakura sat down on one of the chairs near the table, and accepted the strong black tea the woman handed her.

"My name is Phoebe Potter-Black. I am a witch and more importantly a self-serving, conniving, and very sneaky bitch with enough resources and common sense to pretty much do _almost_ whatever the hell I feel like. I'm also the one who traded my 'husband', a bigoted idiot who's probably going to end up as your grandfather's next body, in exchange for your freedom and I'm willing to offer you the chance to say goodbye to the Matou family permanently."

Sakura blinked.

"Why?"

"Why you?" said Phoebe. Sakura nodded. "Because I know that look in your eyes far too well. I had the same one before I said 'enough' and took my own life into my hands. Coincidentally I almost wish I could see the look on that worm's face when he finds out what I did."

"What did you do?"

"I handed over a neutered wizard who pissed me off and removed any chance of that arrogant loser who calls himself your 'brother' of having children," said Phoebe with a straight face. Seeing the look of disbelief on Sakura's, her grin widened. "Never piss off a vet with access to modern medicine and a conjured scalpel."

Sakura, despite her best efforts to hold it in, giggled. The idea of Shinji being neutered had that effect on her.

"Now, once the old worm gets Ron, I'm calling in that annoying troll to see if he can help me make sure that idiot didn't leave any...surprises."

"Annoying troll?"

"He said his name is Zelretch. He's the entire reason I came to Fuyuki."

Sakura's eyes were wide. If she was on good terms with _the_ Zelretch...then it was entirely possible she was finally free.

* * *

Zelretch only had to hear the gist before he burst out cackling. He knew helping the magicals 'Mistress of Death' would provide entertainment. And she didn't disappoint!

He gladly helped to rid Sakura of the tainted Grail pieces and the worms inside her body. Phoebe found it much easier to remove the cursed things when she finally earned the allegiance of Rule Breaker, Medea's dagger that was lost upon her death and recovered by the magicals.

The only reason she didn't accidentally summon the Witch (or her younger form) was because she had left it in the hands of Zelretch in hopes of finding out what it was while she summoned.

Within three days of offering up what was left of Ron to Zouken, Sakura was finally free of the tyranny of her 'family' and the evil monster that ruled it. She would never have to go to the worm pit ever again or suffer Shinji. To add to that, Phoebe was openly adopting Sakura into her family as she had Jack.

Sakura absolutely adored her new older sister. She loved being a Black and she loved the fact that she could now punch Shinji in the face the next time he started in on her.

The only reason she had never retaliated before was because Zouken would punish her after.

Maybe now she could reconnect with Rin... if her sister would let her.

* * *

Zelretch then told Phoebe she should register with the Church... apparently there was something interesting there if she was willing to risk going there alone.

Never one to back down from a challenge, Phoebe went, armed to the teeth with her wand and certain potions...as well as her trusty scalpel.

After she registered as the Master of Assassin, Phoebe left the church. It was only her natural instincts that kept her from being impaled from behind.

She twirled on her heel to find...an absolutely handsome blonde with the most stunning red eyes.

He seemed pleased by her stunned expression.

"Any particular reason you tried to kill me?" she asked.

"That fool Kotomine wants your Servant. Why he would want something as pathetic as Assassin I have no idea," said the man dismissively as he raised his hand to launch another barrage.

"...Uh-huh. And why would he send a king to do a Servant's job? Not that he would be able to get Assassin to work with him...she's more likely to kill him because he is a man," said Phoebe not impressed.

"So you recognize my status without being told. I may yet let you live, woman."

"You have the bearing of a great king and unlike most men I know, you at least have the power to back up your claims. At least your arrogance isn't entirely for show," she said honestly and without remorse.

The man smirked. He liked this woman. She was far more interesting than most women of this age.

"Hmph. You have amused me, woman. I shall allow you to live another day, but next time we meet I might not be so merciful," said the man.

Phoebe shrugged. She had dealt with egotistical assholes her entire life. One who could kill her from a distance and actually _had_ the power to back up his threats was nothing new to her. Well outside of dealing with someone who at least wouldn't bore her to tears.

* * *

"So you've run into Gilgamesh. I'm surprised he let you go," said Zelretch. He was sticking around A) because Phoebe was an instant source of entertainment, and B) because he wanted to see Zouken's reaction to the fact she literally ended the Matou family in a way he wouldn't be able to declare a blood feud over.

Zouken had already taken over what was left of Ron's body...he was working towards making it more appealing since the man had become fat and sluggish thanks to Phoebe's concentrated efforts to keep him out of her way.

"I think I impressed him because I could tell he was a king and unlike every other man I'm forced to deal with, he had the power to back up his threats," said Phoebe, ladling in some food into a bowl.

Zelretch grinned. Phoebe paused in passing out dinner to look at him with annoyance.

"Alright you bloody troll, what exactly do you have your sleeve?"

"Tell me...have you heard of the Kaleidosticks?"

Elsewhere in Fuyuki and the Black Forests of Germany, two girls shivered with inexplicable dread as someone mentioned the bane of their nightmares...not that they were aware of it at that moment.

Phoebe took one look at the girly looking stick, and then at Zelretch.

"You have an unhealthy fascination for magical girl shows don't you?"

Zelretch only grinned.

"I'm game enough to try it out, but I get to pick what my cute furry side kick looks like," deadpanned Phoebe.

Zelretch let out a loud cackle.

Jack tugged at Phoebe's shirt.

"Am I not good enough to be your side kick?" she asked.

Phoebe easily lifted up the girl.

"No, you are my adorably homicidal minion and she's our enabler," said Phoebe with a straight face, looking at Sakura. Sakura, when she heard that, giggled.

Zelretch was laughing so hard he literally fell off his chair. Finally someone who got his sense of humor!


	3. Chapter 3

_**People, there is a poll for who gets Phoebe! Your choices are Gilgamesh or EMIYA!**_

* * *

The next morning Phoebe woke up with a monumental hangover. She didn't know who spiked her tea, but she had a sneaking suspicion it was a certain vampire pain in the ass.

She felt two bodies next to her. Turning to her right was Jack, curled up so close that it would be impossible to extract her without waking the girl up. Turning to her left was Sakura, cuddling.

Finding out exactly how thoroughly Zouken had broken the poor girl still pissed her off, but at least she got her revenge. Sakura was a Black now, and that meant he couldn't take her back after they removed all the nasty surprises he left in her. Every single worm was removed, killed, and the tainted Grail was extracted.

Zelretch had ideas on how to possibly destroy the thing or at least fix it.

Sakura was the first to wake up.

"Morning, onee-san."

"Morning Sakura-chan. Now, is a certain lazy bones going to get up or do I have to carry her to the table?" asked Phoebe. Jack opened up a single eye, before curling up into Phoebe's lap.

Phoebe chuckled before she easily picked up Jack and carried her to the table. She looked at Sakura.

"Nightmares again?"

Sakura shook her head.

"It's getting worse..."

"We'll take care of that once you get home from school. Remember, if Shinji gives you any trouble..."

Sakura's face went blank as she replied "I punch him as hard as I can in the face for being such an asshole."

"And if he tries to take you back to the mansion?"

"I groin kick him."

"I'll come to the school later to adjust your files. As far as anyone needs to know, you were taken in by another family because of financial reasons."

With a few charms, no one would ask too many questions.

Sakura noticed the time.

"Ano..."

"Did you remember to call him last night and ask if it was alright if we join you?" asked Phoebe. Sakura nodded. "Then why don't we get dressed and I'll bring over some English foods for you all to try."

Sakura nodded and went to her room to get dressed.

"Momma... I don't wanna get up..." mumbled Jack.

"I know, but if you want to eat you have to get up. You get to pick what you're wearing today," said Phoebe, rubbing her back. Jack grumbled, but went to find something to wear. It wouldn't stand up to a fight with another Servant, but the only Master currently in Fuyuki was Phoebe. The Einzberns hadn't even shown up yet.

Besides, if they was going to be any fighting, odds were Phoebe would do it herself. She was as powerful as a low-level Caster class, according to Zelretch.

And that was when she wasn't trying. She had let her skills lapse in order to survive.

* * *

Shiro stared at Phoebe Black.

She was nothing like he expected. For one thing she was very pretty. She also had the same tired expression his dad used to have before he died, whenever he heard about Shiro's desire to be a hero.

There was something about her that seemed so familiar to him. Then it hit him when he looked at Sakura.

They were a lot alike.

"So who is this?" asked Shiro, looking at the small girl.

"This is Jackie, my adopted daughter."

Shiro bent down to meet Jack at eye level.

"Nice to meet you Jackie," he said.

Jack took one look at his eyes, and frowned.

"You're a Magus like she is," said Jack flatly.

Shiro looked at Jack in shock.

Sakura winced.

"How did you..."

"She can tell. So Shiro, what sort of magic do you specialize in?" asked Phoebe cheerfully. At least she didn't have to hide what she was with him.

"Reinforcement, mostly. That's about all I've ever been able to do, though I do have this weird ability to smell magic," admitted Shiro, once he got over his shock.

"Huh. Maybe you were born with a wizard's core, not magic circuits. Easy way to find out."

Shiro blinked.

"Wizard?"

"There are two types of people who use magic. The Magi, which is what Sakura is, and the magicals, which is what I am. However unlike Magi, we don't use power taken from Gaia, but an internal core inside ourselves. A wizard or witch can become a Magus, but a magus can never become a proper wizard," explained Phoebe.

"Why?" asked Shiro, slipping on his apron.

Phoebe tried to think of the best way to phrase this...then it hit her. She conjured up some plastic tubes and two glasses. She filled one up with water.

"Okay, think of the water like Gaia and the tubes are circuits. Following me so far?"

Shiro nodded.

"Now a magus is born with a set amount of circuits. These circuits act like the tubes to transport prana that a Magus will then use to cast his magic. A wizard or witch however, does not have the circuits. Instead they have a core inside their bodies (not a physical one mind you) that they draw from usually with a focus to cast magic. One big advantage of being a witch or wizard is that when we create things purely out of magic, they aren't immediately rejected like they would be with prana. That's because we're using our own energy instead of from the Earth's natural leylines," said Phoebe.

Shiro nodded. That made sense. He knew things made from prana were usually destroyed because Gaia rejected them eventually.

Shiro looked a bit sheepish as he said "You're a better teacher than my dad was. I could never really get the hang of using my circuits at all."

"I'll see what I can do once your school lets out. Sakura considers you one of the few real friends she has, and that's enough for me to help," said Phoebe.

"So how would you be able to tell if I'm actually a wizard and not a magus?" asked Shiro.

Phoebe took out her old wand...the one she had used to replace the phoenix and holly wand she snapped in half once she found out Dumbledore had deliberately made it with her in mind to set her up...just so she could fall to him later.

Sycamore and thestral hair, thirteen inches, extremely swishy.

"Take this in your dominant hand and wave it," she said, handing it to him.

"That's it?"

"That's it. Even with a wand that isn't tuned to you, it will still produce a wave of sparks. If not, then you're just a magus," said Phoebe simply.

Shiro looked doubtful, but waved it like a baton. He nearly dropped it when a shower of steel-gray sparks erupted from the tip...nearby a bulb blew.

Phoebe stared.

"A really, really strong magical core. We can work with that. Congratulations Shiro Emiya, you're a wizard-born, not a Magus after all. Though you can still learn how to use Magecraft if you want."

Shiro definitely perked up at that.

"SHIRO! GOOD MORNING!" shouted a voice from the doorway. Jack and Phoebe winced, not used to Fujimura Taiga's enthusiasm.

Taiga stopped in the doorway when she saw the extra additions to the table.

"Shiro, who are these two?" said Taiga, getting up close and personal with him.

Sakura coughed.

"Ano...Fujimura-sensei?"

"Yes, Sakura-chan?"

"May I introduce my new guardian, Phoebe Potter-Black."

"New guardian?" said Taiga.

"Sakura's grandfather agreed to let her live with me, seeing as how she's going to be my apprentice once the papers are finalized," lied Phoebe easily. "It's simpler to have her live with me instead of commuting, seeing as how I'm English."

Shiro blinked. He didn't know she was English.

"Really? What will be teaching her?"

"I'm a fully registered and licensed veterinarian and classifying rare and unusual animals. I specialize in rare and unique animals, and Sakura has a real knack for my work," said Phoebe.

Sakura blinked. She didn't know Phoebe was a cryptozoologist.

"Well good for you Sakura-chan! It's great you're taking your education so seriously!" said Taiga.

"In fact, I might even take Shiro here under my wing. I'm also a very good cook," said Phoebe with a straight face.

Taiga began to drool when she considered trying out properly cooked Western dishes.

"A little diversity never hurt anyone!" agreed Taiga.

"I don't know whether to be terrified or relieved she's taking it so well," said Shiro.

"I wouldn't think about it if I were you," said Sakura easily. Odds were Phoebe was using a simple charm meant to confuse mundanes. Harmless but extremely effective. She wondered how Shiro would take to the news he was literally sitting across from one of England's most bloodthirsty serial killers.

Finding out Jack the Ripper had been a little girl simply looking for a mother on the streets filled with prostitutes had been a shock in itself. The fact she had attached herself to the hip of her new 'mother', who seemed to humor her and wasn't horrified by her history, not so much.

* * *

Shiro's first lesson about magic, hell about the world: humanity as as a whole were greedy, suspicious bastards who were only in it for themselves.

Ergo when he told her about his dream to become a hero of justice who saved people, and she promptly asked him what he wanted in return...she slammed a bokuto on his head. Hard.

Shiro was confused.

"Let me tell you a story Shiro. About twenty-six years ago there was a madman by the name of Tom Riddle. He believed that only those from old families such as the Matou or Tohsaka should learn magic. His insanity drove him to murder, rape, and torture countless innocent first generation children and adults simply because he didn't think they were 'worthy' of having magic, much less learning how to use it properly. Then on a cold Halloween night he went after a young family because of a prophecy he had only heard the first half of. He killed the parents, and attempted to kill the child, only for it to backfire and turn him into a wraith."

Phoebe looked him dead in the eye.

"For the next ten years that child was treated as little more than an in-house slave by her mother's sister, her husband, and their fat son. When the child was returned to the magical world, they ran the gambit of savior, pariah, golden child and liar. Depending on what was going on the time the innocent child who only wanted to finish their schooling and be able to leave their maternal aunt's home to live in peace was treated from everything to a public icon to an outcast. When they were shunned, not _one_ person apologized for treating them like an outcast. When they were praised, everyone thought they knew who they were without even trying to know them."

"That's horrible," said Shiro.

"Then the madman came back. When that child tried to warn everyone, they turned against them, calling them a liar and sweeping all the warnings under the rug as the ramblings of a child who knew nothing. Then he made a public appearance and suddenly they all expected that child to defeat him again, never mind that they refused to raise their own hand against him or his followers because the one leading the opposition said that only the child could kill him. This leader was foolish and believed in the greater good, but never put actions to words. He would sacrificed men and women who believed his ever word all for the 'chance' that the same people they were fighting could be 'redeemed' back to the side of the light...never mind that they didn't want to and only used that chance to kill more."

Shiro's full attention was on her now.

"They deliberately forced an innocent child to murder the madman just so they wouldn't have to sully their hands. And when the task was done...long after the child became disillusioned with the 'promise' of magic, they forced them into a loveless marriage hoping to keep the line 'pure' of non-magical taint, chaining them so that they couldn't be free."

"You're that child," he guessed quietly.

"I've been down the road of the hero who didn't ask for anything in return for helping other Shiro Emiya, and I'll be damned if I let someone else make the same mistake I did. I'm not saying your dream is a bad one. There needs to be people who can be honestly selfless and help others without wanting anything in return. But the thing you need to understand is that if there's one thing humanity loves more than heroes...it's to watch them fall. To have the ideals they base their courage and motivation on crush them until nothing remains. If you want to be a hero, I will help you anyway I can...but you need to find a balance, otherwise your helpful nature will crush you until there's nothing but hollowness left."

Sakura listened to this quietly. Yes, she loved Shiro because of his kind nature, but this was something he needed to understand before he went too far.

It was in Shiro's nature to 'help' others. Even at the expense of himself. It was Phoebe's inherent nature to 'save', even if it meant having to beat the lesson into their head. If she did manage to find someone to take Ron's place, she was going back to England to bend them over backwards and beat the shit out of them.

Just because it was in her nature to save people didn't mean she was going to take what they did lying down. Women can hold a grudge far better than any man, and she was going to display that for all the world to see once she returned. If she returned.

Shiro took a deep breath, and in a move that would change his fate asked "Where do we begin, Phoebe-sensei?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, a lot of people are really wanting the EMIYA pairing... So I'm willing to offer a compromise... Zelretch pranking Gilgamesh and turning him into a child, resulting in Jackie having a brother of sorts.**

* * *

Taiga was the first to note the change in Shiro's demeanor. And the first thing she did was confront Phoebe about it, instinctively knowing the foreign woman was the cause of it.

It wasn't a bad change, but the mere fact she was able to change Shiro's desire to 'save everyone' to 'save those who deserve or need it' was pretty big.

Phoebe smiled mysteriously, though if Sakura had to put a word to it, she would call it sad and broken. Much like she had been before Phoebe had rescued her from that hell.

"I encouraged his dream, but I made sure it was anchored firmly in reality. There's nothing wrong with being a hero, but there are some people who don't deserve being saved."

To insure Shiro got that message clear in his head, she told him the true story of King Arthur...who was actually a woman named Arturia Pendragon.

Yes, she united a war-torn kingdom and ruled over it. But in doing so she closed herself off from her humanity, which lead to her downfall and eventual death by her own child. All because she thought displaying human emotion and chinks in her perfect armor was a weakness for a king. As a result, she destroyed the kingdom without meaning to.

According to Zelretch, Arturia's wish was to change the selection of the king, believing she was a poor ruler.

Phoebe had paused when she told Shiro that, stating if she ever met the woman she would slap some damn sense in her. Never mind she was a swordswoman, the mere fact she would disgrace those who had fought by her side and eventually died for her pissed Phoebe off almost as much as Dumbledore did with his cavalier attitude towards his Order and the fact they were dying by the dozens all to try and 'redeem' murderers and rapists.

She had felt more than a twinge of satisfaction for being the one to splatter Snape's brains on the floor by a gun she stole from a pharmacy...she didn't care if he was a friend of her mothers, there were some things you simply couldn't forgive. Plus it had the added bonus of royally pissing off Voldemort.

If Phoebe had anything resembling a wish, it was that she wanted to go back to the past in her current form and with her allies and clean out Europe before Dumbledore permanently ruined her life. From beyond the grave no less.

The amount of needless death that could have been avoided...she would have changed that if she could.

Then Phoebe distracted Taiga with a full English breakfast...and she dropped any complaints.

Shiro was amazed...until Phoebe told him this was generally how she dealt her soon-to-be-former husband. Once she had a viable replacement, she was destroyed that damn contract. She just didn't add the same cocktail of drugs she generally pumped into Ron.

* * *

As it happened, Tohsaka Rin was present to Sakura's revenge on Shinji. He had seen her new command seals on her hand, as she hadn't thought to conceal them, and had cornered her to demand she hand whatever Servant she summoned over to him. He threatened her with their 'grandfather', a man she considered more a nuisance at this point.

Sakura's face went blank before an angelic smile crept onto her face. One that creeped Rin out. Then she did something that had her biological sister stare for a full thirty seconds before she started laughing her ass off.

She kicked Shinji so hard between the legs that he wouldn't be getting up for several hours without wincing in pain. And that was before the teachers took him to the emergency room because he was bleeding.

Sakura had kicked him so hard that she broke the ping-pong balls that Phoebe had replaced his real ones with. The shards of plastic were cutting into his skin, and they had to do emergency surgery to remove them.

Zouken was beyond pissed when he got the call from the doctors saying someone had effectively neutered the only genuine blood relative of his line and made it impossible for him to ever have children. And that was _before_ Shinji told him Sakura had been selected as Master.

Zouken, who hadn't tried to contact the worms he had left in Sakura, suddenly found himself facing the unpleasant realization he had been outmaneuvered by a woman who was not only younger but apparently more cunning than he was.

She had effectively ruined the Makiri family in one feel swoop, and there was no way he could bring down a blood war on her, because then the Magi would hear how he had been tricked so effectively that he hadn't noticed until it was far too late to do a damn thing about it. And that was tantamount to suicide in the Magus community.

Rin, however, took this chance to try and mend the bridges with her sister. Sakura instead told her to talk to Phoebe first.

* * *

Rin was in awe of Phoebe Potter-Black. She silently resolved to do anything and everything in her power to be as badass as the woman before her. She didn't take shit from anyone, and when confronted with a problem she took the sneaky way out while insuring it benefited her in some way.

A forced marriage? She had a body shield and resource she could trade while insuring no one looked too closely at her.

A Master in a war? She'd summon the Servant, but she didn't have to care about the wish. It was little more than an excuse to leave without any fuss.

Being turned into a weapon? She'd forget about magic and focus on mundane methods to evade the Ministries.

So yes, Rin was very much in awe of the woman.

And that was before she offered to adopt her in the same way she had Sakura, thus giving her access to her vaults and a large supply of jewels.

Rin didn't need the same familial connection Sakura had with Phoebe...but she amused Phoebe enough that she was willing to adopt both sisters into the family and give Jack even more 'big sisters' to look up to.

Besides, it not like she had any idea of what to do with all those gems, which were the basis of the Tohsaka family's research.

Though she was keeping the stone she hid from Dumbledore her first year. Upon learning what he was actually guarding, she made a fake and destroyed it, making everyone believe the fabled Sorcerer's Stone had been lost.

It was one secret she never told her friends. Because years at the Dursleys had taught her to keep something like that to yourself unless you had no other choice.

Besides, she had already discussed it at length with Nicholas Flamel himself, and while he was surprised it still existed he had agreed she made a better keeper.

No one would suspect the already rich Phoebe to possess it, as she had no need for the gold it could produce and no idea how to produce the Elixir it was also famous for.

Nicholas had only given Dumbledore a flawed copy at any rate...one of his earlier works. Once Phoebe was free of the contract and bankrupted England enough that they left her alone, she would take up the apprenticeship offer he had given her upon learning what she did with the thing.

Rin was pretty quick to accept the offer...and that was before she found out Phoebe was in contact with Zelretch himself.

Needless to say Rin had found her new idol in life.

* * *

Sakura stood proudly in Phoebe's Japanese home, which they rarely spent time in since she was also tutoring Shiro in how to cast using his magical core rather than his circuits... after she had to correct him seeing as how Kiritsugu apparently hadn't done a proper job of that either. Sakura had been horrified to learn Shiro had used his own nerve endings as circuits up to that point.

Circuits were painful enough to use... turning your nerves into makeshift ones was almost as bad as being exposed to the Crucio curse on command whenever you tried to use magic.

Phoebe had tried Shiro's method...she could honestly say the Crucio hurt worse, though it wasn't something she would encourage.

Sakura gathered up her prana, admittedly more than Shinji would ever have...he was the Magus equivalent to a squib, hence why Zouken had been forced to bring her in.

Feeling her magic reach a crescendo, she invoked the last aria.

There was a lot of smoke, and she could feel something was there.

"At your command, Servant Rider has answered your summons," spoke a woman's voice with a lyrical hiss.

Sakura took a good look at the Servant before her. She was a shapely woman that almost put Phoebe to shame (though Sakura would be the first to admit she was a bit biased on that) who wore a blindfold and had an odd tattoo on her forehead. She had long purple hair and her main color scheme seemed to be black and a deep purple color.

All in all she didn't really strike Sakura as a Rider servant. Assassin, maybe, but not Rider.

"Welcome to the family Rider. Before you get upset, I should warn you that Assassin will be teaming up with us, and possibly two others. I'm afraid the Grail has become a bit of a monkey's paw, according to my teacher."

"Understood, Master."

"Just call me Sakura," said the girl.

The two went upstairs to find Phoebe waiting.

"Well?"

"Rider, meet my teacher and older sister Phoebe. Phoebe, meet Rider."

"Hello."

Phoebe blinked at the lyrical hiss sound in Rider's voice. On a hunch, she promptly switched to a language that had Rider's eyebrows arch above her blindfold in surprised shock.

_~I'm guessing you speak snake as well?~_

_~I do. I was unaware that there were mortals gifted with the ability.~_

Phoebe switched back for Sakura's benefit.

"It's more of a curse really, considering the idiots in England think parseltongue is a dark ability, despite the fact St. Patrick of Ireland used it to rid the land of snakes. And since you speak it the only conclusion I can come to is that you are in fact Medusa, the only mortal Gorgon," said Phoebe. Seeing Medusa flinch at being caught so easily, Phoebe was quick to reassure her "To be fair I'm not exactly partial to Athena considering I _was_ friends with one of her favored. I still like owls, but I won't be replacing the one I lost years ago. Before I forget, Medusa, this is Jack the Ripper. A fellow anti-hero."

Because of the tainted nature of the Grail, anti-heroes were just as likely to be summoned as true heroes like Arturia.

Jack waved to Medusa.

"That being said, according to the book Zelretch gave me on the real legends, weren't your sisters immortal?" asked Phoebe. Medusa nodded slowly. She was the only one mortal, and thus the only one who could age like a normal human. She did it at a slower rate, but she still got older. "Then isn't it possible that they might yet be alive? According to what I remember, you ate them whole, correct?"

Medusa was stunned. The idea that her sisters might have survived being eaten was something she had never considered.

"Once this mess is sorted out, we can go see if they're still around. If they are they're welcome to stay with us," said Phoebe firmly.

It was ironic, but once she left England she quickly started to gather a real family.

* * *

Rin was excited. She had been selected as a Master, and Phoebe had agreed to supply her assistance in summoning one. Sakura had already drawn Rider, Caster had already been summoned earlier, and Assassin and Berserker were out. Which left Archer, Saber and possibly Lancer.

Thankfully Phoebe had been paying attention, because for some reason all the clocks were reset an hour ahead.

Since she was teaching Shiro how to use magic, she had him practicing the charm most wizards used in lieu of a watch.

Which was why Rin knew the time was off.

Phoebe was less than amused at the fact Archer crashed through her roof. Yes, it was a simple matter to repair it, but it was the principle of the thing!

Rin had opted to borrow Jack for a while, if only because Archer pissed her off by openly doubting her skills.

Sakura had Medusa, and she would borrow Jack. If only because Jack was currently looking for an excuse to gut the idiot known as Shinji Matou for what he said when he tried to intimidate Phoebe into handing over Sakura.

Considering how Rin reacted to finding out exactly what Zouken subjected her younger sister to, she wasn't about to tell Jack to spare the bastard.

In the meantime Phoebe was happily trading recipes with an amused Archer.

One who she recognized on sight.

"So tell me, what's your view on sheeple?" asked Phoebe. She knew who he was, but this was a game she was going to enjoy.

Archer raised an amused eyebrow.

"Sheeple?"

"Idiots who can't think past what others tell them to think. I/E a mass majority of English magical society. I personally can't stand the bastards."

Archer nodded in agreement.

"I know what you mean. I'm actually rather surprised a witch would openly help three Magi."

Phoebe decided to bust Archer's identity wide open.

"Well Shiro, if you knew who I was you wouldn't be nearly as surprised," she said dryly.

Archer was halfway to nodding, before his brain caught up with him. He looked her dead in the eye in disbelief.

"You..."

"I'm guessing you're the version of that idiot who didn't find out until it came back to bite you in the ass that people prefer to see the hero fall with his ideals crushing him," said Phoebe, enjoying the slapped-by-fish look Archer currently had.

"I made a deal with Alaya," he admitted.

"Let me guess... your wish is to either kill your past self or at least change him so he doesn't fall for the same trap you did, right?"

Archer nodded.

"Well congratulations, I've apparently done what you planned on doing without killing the idiot. I got it through his head that people are by nature greedy, untrustworthy bastards who would gladly stab you in the back if they can't understand your methods," said Phoebe. Archer stared at her.

"How?" he asked baffled.

"I told him the cold unvarnished version of what happened to me and explained to him in detail why King Arthur's reign ended as badly as it did. I think coming face to face with someone who shares a similar ideal as him, but wasn't going to let him make the same mistakes made it easier for him to comprehend what I was trying to get through. Of course having Sakure tell him and Rin what the Makiri family did and asking him if he felt they were worthy of redemption didn't hurt."

In truth she did the opposite of what Dumbledore would have done. Instead of giving him half-truths, she gave him cold, clinical examples of what he would face if he allowed his ideals to get the better of him.

People like Lucius Malfoy, Zouken, Voldemort...hell, even Dumbledore who would gladly take Shiro's ideal and dream of being a hero and use it to destroy him. All without a second thought. The fact she wasn't discouraging his dream to become a hero, just giving it a more acceptable direction didn't hurt either.

Archer was baffled. But Shiro _did_ seem different from what he remembered.

"So you're saying telling him my back story might insure he never ends up like me in the first place?"

"You don't have to give him your name... but no one said you had to kill your past self to give him a reality check," clarified Phoebe.

Archer felt like banging his head against the wall. All this time and the answer was so simple! It never even _occurred_ to him that maybe explaining things out instead of trying to kill him out of hand might change things so that he didn't end up a Counter Guardian in the first place.

"You're a Counter Guardian, correct?" asked Phoebe. Archer nodded. "Do you think this might be able to break the contract?"

Archer nearly bolted the moment she took out Rule Breaker.

"Where in the Root did you get _that_?!"

"My mother had it in her vault. Apparently she was studying it, and my nature is close enough to Medea's that it will allow me to use it like she could," said Phoebe blandly.

"...How can your nature be close to the Witch of Betrayal?"

"I sold my 'husband' out to Zouken for Sakura's freedom, and that was _after_ I neutered Shinji. Of course what Zouken didn't find out until well after he took possession of the body was that I had already neutered the red haired bastard years ago. That and I'm a vindictive bitch who plans to bankrupt at least half of Europe's magical society," said Phoebe deadpan.

"You actually neutered Shinji Matou and tricked Zouken?" said Archer in disbelief.

"Not my fault he didn't think to check the goods," said Phoebe cheekily.

Archer remembered Shinji. So the fact that a witch of all things had actually done that to him brought more than just a smile to his face...it made him laugh outright.


	5. Chapter 5

**_And the winner of the poll is... GILGAMESH! Don't worry folks, I'm already planning Zelretch-level chaos for Archer Emiya...one that will have you laughing and him cursing.  
_**

**_That being said, to those who call Phoebe a Mary-Sue, I have only one thing to say to you. _**

**DIE.**

* * *

Phoebe was out buying groceries when she ran into him again.

Gilgamesh, King of Heroes.

"So the little witch dares to show her face around me?"

"Good evening, King of Babylon," said Phoebe pleasantly.

Gilgamesh's eyes widened a fraction, though he was rather pleased by the fact she apparently recognized him this time...or did her research.

"I'm surprised you're not running," said Gilgamesh evenly, having evidently decided to allow her to live for recognizing him.

"To be honest I find it rather refreshing to meet someone who can actually _back_ their claims rather than just throw a lot of bullshit around. While you are rather arrogant, at least you have a legitimate reason to be, as I have never heard of a king that didn't at least develop a backbone that was of any worth," stated Phoebe flatly.

Oh she definitely had his interest now.

"Meet many kings have you?"

"I've meet one who was a king in all but title, and one who would be more of a mad king if I hadn't killed the bastard. But no, you are the first true king I've ever met. Though if I ever meet King Arthur, odds are I would slap them for being a damn idiot."

Gilgamesh was startled into laughing.

"Not a fan of her are you?"

"I'm not a fan of stupidity. As I recall, you once had a best friend named Enkidu, correct?" she asked, noticing his eyes narrow at the reminder. "How exactly would you react if he was brought into the Grail Wars and decided his wish was to make it so you two had never become friends? Though I must admit, at least you had loyalty from the one person you claimed as friend."

Gilgamesh stared at her.

"You would dare bring him up?"

"I was only drawing a comparison you could relate to," said Phoebe. "As it stands I find it highly offensive that her wish is to change the selection of the king just because she didn't like how it ended."

That seemed to calm him down.

"For a woman, you rather interesting."

"And for a king, you are the least annoying male I have met in a while," deadpanned Phoebe. Just because he was a king didn't mean she had to be impressed. She was showing him respect because she was polite by nature, but that didn't mean she was going to let him walk all over her. She looked at her watch, before she did an awkward (but still proper) curtsey. "If you'll excuse me, King of Heroes, I should be heading back before the ice cream completely melts. I would rather not have that mess on my clothes."

Gilgamesh snorted, but didn't stop her.

She was interesting, that one. Possibly more interesting than Saber. While Saber interested him because she would never submit, this witch impressed him because while she did respect him she also had more of a backbone than most of her modern counterparts.

* * *

"I swear I'm half a day away from gutting Shinji," snarled Rin. His arrogance and abrasive personality was really trying her nerve, and it was only because Phoebe had told Jack to wait until they didn't have _any_ witnesses to who killed him that was keeping Shinji alive at this point.

"If he's pissing you off that much, then I'll loan you a dungbomb. One of those going off, combined with a simple paralyzing spell and Jack can finish the bastard off with no way of implicating you in the deed," deadpanned Phoebe.

Her only order in the matter of the Makiri heir was that no one see Jack do the deed. She didn't want any unnecessary deaths.

Then an idea occurred to her.

"What if you had a way to be in two places at once, Rin-chan?" asked Phoebe suddenly.

"The only way to pull that off is either with polyjuice or a time... oh," said Rin, suddenly realizing what she was saying.

"I have a store of polyjuice, and you can either be the alibi or watch the rat die personally. Your choice," said Phoebe.

"Might be better if you did it. You can cast a bubble head charm and fly off before anyone realizes you were there."

"Or I could use an invisibility cloak to sneak off after I watch the entire spectacle," said Phoebe.

"...Any chance I could borrow it sometime? There are so many people who piss me off that deserve to be pranked," asked Rin.

Phoebe's grin was almost predatory.

"I think adopting you into the family will be quite fun Rin-chan. Odds are you might be able to drag that idiot George out of his depression for once. He could use a Finn Shot to the ass to get out of bed, and nothing I've done has worked."

Sakura suddenly snorted.

"Rin doesn't like mornings, remember? She's more likely to sleep in," said Sakura. Phoebe snorted in amusement.

"Either way, we can take out Shinji whenever you like Rin. Just give me a day and I'll arrange his much-needed death while you provide an alibi for yourself."

"Does it bother you that you're planning the death of a classmate so openly?" asked Archer.

"I've been through a real war, where there was no mercy and no quarter given. Considering I've had to deal with assholes like Shinji most of my life, I'm not going to lose any sleep over it," said Phoebe.

"After what he did to Sakura, there's no way in hell I'm letting that idiot live," agreed Rin. Seeing that Shiro wasn't even trying to argue for a less...permanent...way of disposing of the boy, Archer made another check towards how much Phoebe had influenced him.

A pity he had never met the woman _before_ he got stuck as a Counter Guardian for his foolishness.

He could only hope Rule Breaker would be strong enough to break the contract between him and Alaya. He was sick of being it's cleaner.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything important," said a very cheerful and clearly insane voice.

"YOU! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS!"

Everyone but Zelretch stared at the suddenly furious Archer. Oh yeah, he looked pissed for some reason.

Zelretch smirked. He was responsible for screwing around with Counter Guardian EMIYA. Repeatedly at that. Though he wouldn't take the blame for Phoebe being picked this time around. He just told her _how_ to summon Jack.

"I only came over to drop something off, and happened to hear a discussion of murder. Might I suggest an even more amusing prospect?" asked Zelretch.

"You mean outside of spell components?" asked Phoebe, smirking.

"I was thinking more along the lines of a permanent gender-switching potion and advertising the fact he's from a long pure blood line that would be happy to sell 'her' off in exchange for some of the children."

"That is absolutely evil. I like it," said Phoebe grinning evilly.

"How is that worse than being killed?" asked Shiro.

"Do you have any idea how excruciating child birth is? Add to the fact that he...she would be little more than a broodmare and the former Matou heir would be in a living hell. Why do you think I was so quick to leave once I was able to?" said Phoebe flatly. Be interesting to see their expression when they found out the girl was a Squib.

There were things worse than death, as Phoebe could attest, and it was only because she was a Snake that hide in the Lion's pride that she had escaped such a fate.

"Of course it couldn't be any _more_ interesting than someone who keeps getting the King of Heroes interest," continued Zelretch.

Archer blinked, before he slowly turned to Phoebe in disbelief.

"You've met Gilgamesh...and he hasn't killed you yet?" he said in absolute shock.

"Short blond hair, blood red eyes, and more arrogance than Shinji with the power to actually _back_ it up? Yeah, I've run into him. I think he actually likes me because I show him genuine respect without trying to kiss his ass," deadpanned Phoebe.

"Hold up a damn minute. What do you mean _Gilgamesh_ has run into her?! He should have died during the last war!" shrieked Rin in fury. She knew what Gilgamesh looked like. Her father had summoned the ass.

"What kind of Master summoned Gilgamesh of all people?" asked Phoebe.

"My father did, through some old snake skin. Gilgamesh came out under the Archer class," said Rin tightly.

"Wait a minute...wasn't that ass Kotomine a Master during the last war, like Kiritsugu was?" asked Phoebe, remembering her reading about the past four.

"He summoned Assassin last time," said Rin.

"Archer class comes with independent action, right?" asked Phoebe.

"It does."

"And last I checked, Masters could take on any Servants who lost their own provided they do it with enough time and have the prana to support it," said Phoebe slowly for Shiro's benefit, but he had already guessed what she was suggesting.

"Wait...you're not saying..."

"I'm saying the priest has evidently rigged the tournament. We should avoid him at all costs...and warn any Masters we come across to do the same unless they're like Shinji. Otherwise he might try to steal their Servant too. I don't know about you, but I don't want Jackie taken by that creep," said Phoebe.

Rin looked like she had eaten something sour. Considering he was a Master in the last war, which by all accounts was the most bloody and depraved, she wouldn't put it past him to steal a Servant for a second try at the Grail.

And if he had Gilgamesh, that meant she had an even bigger reason to kill him.

"Since you know so much about the last war, who killed my father?" asked Rin finally.

"I believe it was the Matou clan. And since the only ones left are Shinji and Zouken, who's likely taken over Ron at this point, I'll be happy to help you wipe them out," said Phoebe with a smile on her face.

Zelretch coughed.

"Phoebe, this is for you. Feel free to use it however you want, provided you keep bringing me such quality entertainment," said Zelretch. Archer had a decidedly horrified face at the item in his hands. Rin was apparently in agreement, because Ruby was a pain in the ass to deal with on a good day...before she had sealed the damn thing in hopes of it never seeing the light of day during her lifetime. Not without some poor child she could foist it on so they could suffer that pervert and not her.

A Kaleidostick.

"And what's this called?"

"It's a Kaleidostick," said Rin with a disgusted look on her face.

"...So it's like that staff thing of Hayate's?" guessed Phoebe. Judging by the delighted look on Zelretch's face, she had hit that nail on the head. "Does it come with a Knight system?"

Zelretch looked intrigued by that idea, and Archer groaned.

"Don't give him _more_ ideas!"

"Why not? If he's going to use me as his personal source of entertainment, then I want a say in it too!" said Phoebe. Zelretch cackled. Finally, someone who would play along with his love for magical girl shows!

Sakura giggled.

"I could probably add the 'Knight' system from Nanoha, though I would have to borrow it for a while."

"Will it be able to turn animals into partial humans? Because I would really love to turn a dragon or a phoenix into my familiar and then rain hell from above," said Phoebe wistfully. Zelretch grinned.

"I'll try to add that too."

Archer didn't hide his annoyance with the vampire, he started banging his head on the table. Something his Master seemed almost tempted to emulate if her expression was any indication.

Rin then considered something, before she asked "If I were to...join in...on providing similar entertainment... would you agree to sponsor me for Clock Tower once the war is over?"

Zelretch's eyes gleamed.

Archer felt a sliver of pity for Rin.

"I might be agreeable to that arrangement. You could either find your own targets or I could provide a long list of people who have gotten above themselves so-to-speak," said Zelretch.

"Knowing him though, you'll still be a target...but it might be lessened if you prank others," Archer said with annoyance.

Phoebe had a sudden idea of her own.

"What's my status in Clock Tower, power wise? And I don't mean as a Magus, but the bloodline."

"While the Potters and Blacks have declined in power in the wizard's society, they're still considered a premiere bloodline. If you went to Clock Tower your heritage and attitude could open a lot of doors," said Zelretch.

"And those adopted into it?" asked Phoebe, noticing Rin's gleam.

"It would still open doors, but they would have to prove they were in high favor with the head of the family. Since you never had any children with Ron and the fact he's been kept out of the way, you're still considered the head of the family, despite what the wizards might think," clarified Zelretch.

The wizards might believe Ron had taken over as head of the Potter and Black family, but since Phoebe never had children (never mind _slept_) with the bastard, and he had been kept drugged and incoherent since the wedding night, the title of family head belonged solely to her.

It was how she was able to seal the vaults until she cleared this mess up, despite the fact the goblins would very much like to screw her over for breaking into their bank.

Rin looked hopefully at Phoebe.

"I already said I was considering bringing you into the family, if only for laughs. Can you imagine the wizards trying to pull one over you only to get a Finn shot up the ass?" she said flatly. Zelretch snorted at the idea.

Rin looked happy at the prospect...and best of all, she would be able to call Sakura her sister again!


	6. Chapter 6

Gilgamesh was definitely intrigued by the British witch who didn't take crap from anyone, let alone a king.

Which was why he harassed Kotomine to get her data, if only to amuse himself and find out why she had such a spine in her.

What he found had him somewhat surprised.

She had been raised practically a servant girl, turned into a weapon, betrayed by her own society and then married off to the first person they could find that she wouldn't kill offhand.

All in the span of twenty years.

From what Gilgamesh saw, she had enough pride to match that of Saber. She might humor him, but she definitely wouldn't let him walk all over her, King or not.

And that rather pleased him. If he were to have a Queen, he wanted someone with a backbone who could fight on her own feet without having to be rescued all the damn time.

From what he read, anyone who tried that would have to be rescued from _her_.

Something that amused him greatly.

He would have to keep an eye on her to see if she would provide an even greater source of entertainment.

* * *

"OH HELL NO!" came Rin's disbelieving shout once she properly woke up...to find that _SHIRO_ was considered a master. "That is seriously scraping the barrel here!"

"Hey!" came Shiro's indignant shout.

"Scraping the barrel would be including _Zouken_ or Shinji," said Phoebe. Rin's shout had set the birds flying.

Shiro had consigned himself to being the 'headquarters' of the Grail War, considering it was closer to the school than where Phoebe lived. If they wanted some privacy they would go to her home, but for the most part they stayed at Shiro's house.

"You can summon your servant later, for now don't we have a ferocious beast that needs to be sated?" asked Phoebe.

Shiro winced as said 'ferocious beast' came barreling into the room with all the grace of a wild animal.

"SHIRO! START HANDING OUT THE FOOD!" came Taiga's cry for food.

She had more or less come to terms with Shiro having a large number of girls in his house...primarily because Phoebe made sure to distract her with foods she hadn't tried before.

Phoebe snickered. She found Taiga hilarious and had the sneaking suspicion she wold have gotten along famously with Sirius. If only because her antics were so entertaining.

Because Taiga wasn't magical (though she might be, considering that weird illusion of hers and that cursed sword she generally carried), they generally kept all magical discussions to Phoebe or Rin's home. Usually Rin's, since it was bigger and had an actual library.

Shiro was actually curious as to what he would summon. The only ones left being Lancer and Saber, since Rin drew Archer.

* * *

Phoebe and the others waited for Shiro to summon his Servant at Rin's house, seeing as she had the supplies and he didn't. This would be an open summoning, since he didn't have an artifact as far as they were aware.

When he came out with his Servant, having already warned her that he had allies in the war and that the entire thing was likely to backfire horribly if they did win, Phoebe took one look at who he drew before her face went impassive.

Shiro, likely from a sense of foreboding, immediately (and wisely) took three steps back from Saber as Phoebe descended on the woman with all the fury of a truly enraged witch.

Without any hesitation at all, she bitch slapped the woman.

Needless to say Saber was angry and very confused.

"What was that about?" asked Rin.

"Arturia Pendragon, correct?" said Phoebe icily. Seeing Saber wince, she had hit that nail on the head. "I read your 'wish' when Zelretch let me read up on the last four wars. I may be from the same area your legend originates from, but quite frankly you disgust me."

Saber growled.

"And why is that?" she asked, barely restraining her anger at being slapped.

"You are a disgrace to the title of King, let along the King of Knights. You want to rewrite history? Fine! But your desire to change the selection of the king is an insult to those that followed you and those who were inspired by the legend you left behind. Yes, you screwed up, but that is no excuse to take the easy way out just because you didn't like the outcome!" said Phoebe. She hit hard, she hit fast, and she did it in a way that made Saber actually look ashamed herself.

Shiro said nothing. Phoebe had let him read the same book she had about the last four wars, and he had to admit, when she put it like that it did sound cowardly. He still admired Saber, but that didn't mean he liked the wish.

"Besides, are you even _aware_ of what would happen if you did win the Grail and succeed in changing history?"

Saber looked at her in confusion.

"From what we discovered clearing Sakura out after I rescued her, the Grail is tainted. It's the ultimate monkey's paw, and if you had gotten it, you would have become little more than a clean up spirit for Alaya. So if you do have a wish, then come up with something that won't spit on the memories of those who served...and died...believing in the dream you created that still lives," said Phoebe.

Saber was quiet, but it was pretty clear that Phoebe's words had struck a cord with the woman, despite the fact she slapped her without any provocation.

Archer couldn't believe Phoebe was that good at convincing people.

* * *

_In the Makiri Mansion..._

Zouken was pissed. While the wizard's body was full of magic and did indeed have a core, the bitch neglected to mention that she had already removed any chance of him bringing an _heir. _At this point the only way to continue the Makiri line would be to transfigure that fool Shinji into a woman and sell her to another family with the agreement that the first child be given to him.

A prospect that was looking more and more appealing the more that idiot opened his mouth. Never mind the brat was his blood.

Once again he cursed that damn witch for tricking him and stealing one of his most valuable weapons.

At least now he could make a more effective soul container... the worms were excellent stop gap measures, but only someone with a core could create a horcrux.

Inside the deeper recesses of what was left of his mind, Ronald Weasley screamed in disgust and rage. He knew marrying Potter would end badly for him...but he had been foolish enough only to see her for her fame and money. And now he was paying the price for allowing his greed to overcome what little common sense he had warning him not to get that close to the first true Snake Hogwarts had seen in several centuries since the Blood Purity nonsense first took root.

Ironically, this was the reason why Phoebe still had the ability to converse with snakes. Slytherin's last act of petty revenge on his fellow founders was to declare that any true Slytherin to pass through the halls would be granted the title of his heir...a fact Voldemort never found out until _after_ he became a wraith and Phoebe revoked his claim to Slytherin's bloodline.

Of course she had thought she earned the title through Right of Conquest.

* * *

Zelretch was fast becoming a familiar face to Shiro...and a cursing Archer. Something about having been dragged through the Kaleidoscope one too many times as one of Zelretch's many victims.

In his hands was the same damnable Kaleidostick he had shown her two weeks ago.

He called it Prism, since it didn't have one color in particular. Indeed, it shown much like a diamond would in the light.

When Phoebe touched it, she found it functioned much like a wand would, to her delight. She gleefully handed hers over to Shiro, so he wouldn't have to buy his own, since their personality was so similar he could use it almost as well as she could.

"I've outfitted it with a 'Knight' system, but they'll still draw upon your magic like Jack does, so try not to add too many. You can turn at least three animals into your familiars, and as you can already see, it's outfitted so you can put a wand into it, though it acts like one anyway. You can design battle armor..." listed Zelretch while grinning madly.

"Can I pick the animal parts too?" asked Phoebe, answering the unspoken question that yes, she was aware there were plenty of cat girls in anime these days. There seemed to be a fetish for the damn things.

Zelretch grin only widened.

"Sorry, but if it's any consolation I did set it to go fox," said Zelretch.

Phoebe perked up at that. She didn't mind foxes.

And in the interest of seeing her suffer the same fate Rin herself had almost dealt with had she not finally sealed that damn Ruby up.

The outfit was skimpy. Very skimpy. It was almost like he had been watching Sailor Moon for the past two week (he had), and the twin red fox ears with tufts of blackish-red fur inside the ears twitched cutely. In short, she was likely to make any male drool if they saw her.

And Archer, who was a hot blooded male and more than interested after seeing her deftly handle his younger self into a much better future and reign in Rin, was one of those men. Of course he was able to control himself, but once he broke the control Rin had over him as her Servant, he would gladly join Phoebe instead.

At least she had a sense of humor he could appreciate. Like him she had been through hell and was determined not to let the world keep her down. Instead she wrecked hell on anyone who pissed her off.

And Zelretch knew both Archer spirits were interested in her.

The only question was who would win her over first, Emiya, or Gilgamesh. Either way it was going to be highly entertaining.

Rin noticed Zelretch's amused look. Which was why when Phoebe, Shiro, and Archer went to get groceries (feeding Saber was like feeding a bloody army, according to Phoebe), she confronted him.

"Alright you damn bloodsucker. What was so amusing about Phoebe?"

"You didn't see the way Archer was staring at her?" said Zelretch. To his amusement Sakura giggled, because she _had_ caught that. "At this point the Grail war might end up a battle of a love triangle between the Archer spirits and Phoebe."

Rin looked like someone slapped her with a fish.

"What."

"I'll second that," said Saber, as she wasn't exactly _eager _to see Gilgamesh again.

"Gilgamesh is already interested in her, and Archer seems to be falling hard for her. And those two were natural enemies to begin with. Now since most, if not all of the Masters and Servants are aware the Grail is broken, can you imagine anything more entertaining than seeing which one of them wins her over?"

Saber blinked.

"You're telling me the biggest battle we're likely to see is a pissing contest between Gilgamesh and Rin's Archer?" she said incredulous.

"Well possibly Illyasviel von Einzbern as well once she figures out who your Archer is... Since Phoebe's already figured _that_ much out," said Zelretch.

Oh yes, Illya likely wasn't about to handle the fact she technically had two brothers well...especially one who might end up with a girlfriend.

While Gilgamesh might try to kill her, Zelretch was aware Phoebe still had the Stone. She could easily use it to resurrect the Homuculus-Magus hybrid.

And because he knew the chaos it would likely cause, he had left a slot for Phoebe to store the stone in.

* * *

"Achoo!"

"Bless you," said Shiro.

"Are you sure you want to wear _that_ to the store?" asked Archer, a bit annoyed at the looks Phoebe was garnering.

He would admit he was jealous. He just wasn't going to state it around her.

Phoebe looked down at the outfit she was wearing. She still had the fox ears, but at least the outfit covered more. The long bushy tail was surprisingly easy to get used to.

"If anyone asks, I'll say I'm cosplaying for a private party," said Phoebe. She had become addicted to cosplay when she found out about it.

Shiro noted with amusement the looks Archer was shooting Phoebe, who was either oblivious or didn't notice. He was definitely jealous.

They went in, got the groceries (Phoebe bought enough to feed a good sized army, and most of it was placed in weightless bags to the male's relief) and returned.

Seeing the amused and speculative looks Rin and the others were shooting Archer and Phoebe, it was clear they had noticed the same thing he spotted on the way to the store.

Too bad they didn't noticed the look in Gilgamesh's eyes when he saw how Archer looked at Phoebe.

Some might call it possessive.

Most would call it jealous.

"Is it just me or does it look like the infamous Grail War is going to end up a really messy and painful love triangle?" asked Shiro.

"It's not you, so start stocking up on snacks and drinks," said Rin.


	7. Chapter 7

_**To the rabid Nasu-verse fans who are too chicken to post on their OWN accounts and resort to using the GUEST reviews: Congratulations, you've made my already bad week even worse and have forced me to moderate the guest reviews. If you don't have anything nice to say or constructive criticism that will help me IMPROVE and not constitute as Cyber Bullying, then it's not going to be put on the reviews. If you are brave enough to post nasty flames on the reviews page, I will NOT HESITATE TO BLOCK YOU. I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE AND I WILL NOT BE AFRAID TO DO SO AGAIN.**_

_**I write mostly out of fun and relaxation. If you don't like a story, here's a newsflash. NO ONE ASKED YOU TO READ IT.**_

_**To the loyal fans who have been leaving reviews that actually help me improve such as pointing out misspelled names, small facts that I've gotten wrong, thank you for your continued support. Reading your reviews are the highlight of my day and the reason I keep posting.**_

_**If this comes across as snippy to the other readers, there is a reason for it. During the past week one of my aunt's dogs died, right on my cousin's birthday and she was a sweet dog. Her death came as a real shock to everyone. I've also had to fight a constant migraine for the past three days. Hopefully some good luck will come my way, and I'm sorry if it feels like I'm taking it out on you, the readers. It's just been one of those weeks when nothing seems to go right.**_

* * *

Illyasviel had two goals upon reaching Japan. One was to find her 'brother' and possibly kill him, the other was to fill her role as the lesser Grail and win the war for the Einzbern family.

Instead she and Berserker had the most interesting meeting with the last person they expected.

Zelretch.

"I come to offer you two choices, little one. Either you can continue and fight the other Servants...or you can join us in watching a highly amusing love triangle play out and possibly live to see your twentieth birthday," said Zelretch.

Illya twitched.

"What sort of love triangle could possibly be worth more than killing everyone?" she asked.

"The kind that involves a very possessive King of Heroes, a relatively unknown King of Fakers, and the current Mistress of Death from England. An _oblivious_ Mistress of Death," said Zelretch.

Illya blinked.

"How much, and why do I have the feeling there's more to it?"

"She's apparently as big a fan as magical girl shows as I am and willing to humor me, and so far she hasn't really cottoned on to the fact the current Archer of the war has been staring at her ass while she has a fox's tail."

Illya actually started to grin. That did sound somewhat funny.

"We'll also have snacks, enough to feed even the great Herakles," said Zelretch... before he brought out the carrot, "Shiro's currently holding bets on who will win."

That did it.

"Where are they?" asked Illya.

Zelretch smirked.

* * *

"Dammit you stupid bloodsucker, why'd you bring _her_ here?" asked Rin, twitching.

"Because otherwise we'd have her trying to interrupt the show, and this way you have someone to help you blast Shiro," said Zelretch.

Rin took one look at Berserker, then at a rather irate Illya who was talking to Shiro. He had a point.

_With Illyasviel and Shiro..._

"So let me get this straight... Father used to leave for weeks at a time and leave you all alone?" said Illya.

"He never said he was going, just that he had left something behind that he was trying to get back, but someone kept chasing him off. He seemed really depressed whenever he came back empty-handed."

Illya twitched. She remembered a few times when several of the castle Homunculi would run out to deal with something, but they never said what. And every time she would be ushered into the library, within the center of the castle and there would be guards posted.

It had all stopped around the same time news of her father's death reached them.

Was it possible Kiritsugu had come to the castle trying to reclaim her like he promised?

"So what's the deal between Archer and the witch?"

Shiro grinned.

"Archer apparently has a thing for Phoebe-sensei, and according to Zelretch the same can be said of Gilgamesh. Since they're natural enemies it's going to be a toss up who she picks, and until then we get to watch the fireworks. Especially since from what they found before the thing started, the entire Grail has become a giant monkey's paw, and no one wants to deal with the fall out," said Shiro.

"What's a monkey's paw?" asked Illya.

"It's an old legend. A man buy's a mummified monkey's paw, and for every wish one finger on the paw breaks. But they came with a heavy price. In the end the man died because of it," explained Phoebe. She held out her hand. "Phoebe Potter-Black."

"Illyasviel von Einzbern," she said with a curtsy.

Phoebe's mouth twitched upward.

"Your family is from the Black Forests of Germany, right?"

"It is. The Einzbern clan is one of the premiere magical clans in the world," said Illya proudly.

"I have a series that might interest you then," said Phoebe.

Illya looked surprised.

"You're not going to convert her to that Grimm series Zelretch introduced you to are you?" asked Rin. Phoebe grinned.

"So I take it the big guy is Herakles?" asked Phoebe.

Illya beamed proudly at her Servant.

"Nice. Not many idiots would be stupid enough to pick a fight with a girl ordering around a mountain of muscle...especially if he's your ride," said Phoebe appreciatively.

Illya looked at her hard, before she said "I like you Onee-san. You're interesting."

Phoebe grinned, before she affectionately ruffled Illya's hair.

"And I think you're an absolutely adorable snow fairy. One who's been alone for way too long."

Jack walked up to an amused Illya.

"Are you going to adopt her too?"

"Unfortunately not...but that doesn't mean she can't crash at our house and bring tall, muscled and grumpy with her."

Archer looked at Phoebe.

"You aren't crushing on him are you?" he asked suspiciously.

"Of course not. I'm impressed with his legend, but I prefer to deal with people with brains, which a Berserker simply doesn't have."

Phoebe went into the kitchens and brought out something. Whatever it was, it smelled _heavenly_. Illya was drooling once it hit her nose.

"Chocolate chip and no bake cookies anyone?"

Rin didn't hesitate, and neither did Shiro, Sakura, Jack, Zelretch Rider or Saber.

Illya carefully took a few from the bowl, and gave two to Berserker. She took one bite and immediately grabbed a few more. Phoebe laughed.

"Good thing I've gotten used to making quadruple batches."

She had to, since Saber and Rin could put away a double batch without letting anyone else have some.

"I wish you would give me the recipe," said Shiro.

"You're not going to get it until _after_ you master first year potions."

"Why would he need to master potions?" asked Rin.

"I generally lace it with a cheering solution," came Phoebe's deadpan response. "It's hard to fight once you're hopped up on something that makes you happy...or in this case adds to the natural effects of chocolate. Did you know chocolate chip cookies were originally an accident?"

"Really?"

"One woman broke up a chocolate bar into some cookies she was making, thinking it would melt throughout and turn it into a chocolate cookie. Instead she made the first chocolate chip. It was supposed to be a reward for her workers. Know what her name was?"

"What?"

"Mrs. Tollhouse. Nestle bought her recipe and eventually started making chocolate chips so people didn't have to chop up chocolate bars," said Phoebe.

_(A/N: that story is true by the way. I watch a lot of Food Network.)_

"Interesting," said Shiro. For him and Sakura, it was.

"_American Eats_ does specials all the time on stuff like pizza, soda, ice cream, barbeque and cookies. It's either than or watch some boring soap opera," shrugged Phoebe.

She paid extra for shows from around the world. It wasn't like Ron was going to watch TV since she kept him in a state of perpetual sleep whenever he wasn't eating.

Illya watched how Archer looked at her, and realized that it would be interesting to watch this play out.

* * *

Bazett groaned. After she went to the church to summon her Servant, the priest had cut off her arm the first chance he had and taken her Servant. She had barely escaped with her life.

She was so out of it that she almost missed the thundering steps of something _big_ walking towards the forest.

Perhaps it was luck, but she groaned at the worst possible time. Immediately the thundering sound stopped.

"_I heard something. Berserker, turn left and head towards the abandoned groundskeepers shed,"_ instructed a voice.

The steps grew closer...and louder. Then they stopped, right outside the door.

More steps, though these were much lighter in sound. Light came from the shed, hitting her square in the eyes.

What she saw, before she blacked out, was the surprised expression of what looked like some form of snow fairy...and the hulking form of her Servant, who was more muscle than anything else.

* * *

"Wait, you found someone passed out in the shed without an arm? Are they even alive?" asked Phoebe. She had given her number to Illya earlier before she left for the castle.

She honestly didn't expect the girl to call her about another Master.

"No, I get why you don't want to deal with it...especially if she's hostile. I can take her in, and if nothing else Assassin can deal with her. No sign of her Servant? You think someone stole her Command Seals?"

From what she heard, this woman evidently lost her Seals to an unscrupulous Magus eager to get into the war.

"I'll bring Rider and Shiro and we'll come get her. Yes, I'll call your house to let you know when we're about to enter the forest so you know it's us," said Phoebe.

She would bring Archer, but bringing three servants was overkill. Jack and Rider would be sufficient.

Phoebe called the castle, letting Illya know she was coming in with two Servants. Rider would help her carry the woman out of the forest, since Illya didn't want her there and didn't feel like explaining to her maids why she was allowing a Master to live.

They might report to her grandfather, who definitely wouldn't like the fact she was in contact with Shiro and planned to forget about the entire war.

Most of the Masters had come to the agreement that since the Grail was broken, there wasn't any real need to fight for the thing until it was either fixed or replaced. No one wanted to be responsible for unleashing all the world's evils just for a silly wish.

After all, Rin's wish could easily be granted by Phoebe. Sakura's had already been granted. Shiro just wanted to avoid collateral damage. Phoebe's only wish was to turn back time with her allies beside her to undo most of death caused by Dumbledore's stupidity. Illya just wanted to live past the war...she was fully aware she wouldn't survive very long after it was over.

Rider wanted to see her sisters again. Jack wanted a mother. Archer wanted the cycle he was stuck on to end. Saber, while rethinking her wish, still had one. Who knew what Berserker, Lancer or Caster wanted.

Phoebe thought they might be just as happy living out their lives a second time.

* * *

Once they got to the decrepit building, Jack went in first. Her presence concealment made her useful getting information. She nodded to the others outside, and Rider went in next.

The woman had lost a lot of blood, but Illya had cast a simple healing spell she knew to stop the bleeding. However it wouldn't hold out for long. This woman needed attention, immediately.

Phoebe carefully maneuvered the woman onto her back. One arm dangled over her shoulder.

"Rider, can you summon anything that can carry three people? I can cast a notice-me-not, and we need to get to the house fast."

Rider nodded. She summoned Pegasus, and Phoebe held on tightly to the unconscious woman while Jack wrapped her arms around the horse's neck.

"Fascinating. You know I could probably get my hands on a modern Pegasus if you want."

Rider blinked behind her blindfold.

"They still exist?"

"Dragons, unicorns, centaurs, mermaids, naiads..." listed Phoebe.

"You are so letting me read one of your school books later," said Rider.

"My library is your library...even the spellbooks. No need to hide them from family after all," said Phoebe easily.

With that, the group left the forest and landed in Phoebe's hidden back yard.

Phoebe hit herself with an ennervate...she was going to need the extra boost, she just knew it.

* * *

The woman was laid out flat on a table, close to where the potions were kept.

"Milly, Dixie, Joy and Winky!" Phoebe called out with authority in her voice.

At once, four house elves appeared. Out of the four, only Winky had been with Phoebe the longest. She had bound herself to her shortly after Dobby had died.

"Yes Lady Potter/Black?" they asked.

"I'm going to need your help healing her. Now, what potions would you recommend to restore her arm?"

Phoebe realized a long time ago that house elves were likely to know more about potions than she was.

Especially the ones she bought that were trained in healing, like these three were. Winky merely learned by experience.

As they listed the potions she would need to heal the woman, she gave them permission to buy any they needed if they didn't have it in stock.

Fortunately, there were only three she didn't already have.

By the time she finished, the woman was still out cold and would stay that way until Phoebe was ready to deal with her. The sleeping potion was good for twelve hours, more than enough time for Phoebe to sleep, eat and then prepare for a minor interrogation.


	8. Chapter 8

When Bazett woke up, it was in the most comfortable bed she had ever slept in her life. She slowly got up, feeling very sluggish...when she suddenly realized something was off.

For one thing she wasn't in any pain. For another her arm apparently had been regrown, though with her command seals inert. Almost like stylized tattoos at this point. There was a sudden pop...and she stared for five seconds before her mind caught up to what she was looking at.

"Mistress said you are to meet her in the dining room. She wants to speak to you," said the house elf.

Bazett was under no illusions. Evidently she was in the house of a witch, one who would no doubt interrogate her.

"Very well. Where's the dining room?"

"Down the hall on the right. Just follow the smell of food," came the response.

Bazett checked her clothing, which was relatively clean...likely the work of the house elves...and went into the hall. Her nose was immediately assaulted with the scent of something that had her mouth watering.

A thick Irish stew and freshly baked bread.

She followed the scent without any hesitation, and hoped her 'host' would let her have some. She hadn't eaten since shortly before she summoned Lancer and from what the calender said that was a four days ago.

What she found in the dining room however made her stop and stare in shock.

She knew that woman.

Phoebe Maleficent Potter-Black. The 'Mistress' of Death and rumored to have once been the most powerful witch since Morgana le Fay herself...had she not ruptured her core.

From what she saw now, she had the distinct feeling Phoebe got tired of the bullshit and simply quit using magic. The last she heard the woman was married off to her 'best friend' Ron Weasley.

She searched for the red head, but found neither hide nor hair of him.

"Awake are we? Sit down, so I can start handing out lunch. The sleeping potion I gave you should have only kept you out for a full twelve hours...you slept for nearly a full day."

Bazett winced.

Then she noticed the others in the room. A small girl with pale white hair and some scarring that seemed only partially healed over, a man reading a newspaper, and a very eager blond woman staring at the food.

Bazett slowly sat down at the table, and when she got a good look at the man she wanted to run. Far far away.

"Ah, it's always fun to see the reaction people have when they realize who I am," said Zelretch.

Phoebe lightly slapped him on the head.

"Before you ask, he's here because I am. We have a...similar... interest and as long as I get to have some input I could care less if he uses me to prank others," said Phoebe.

Bazett shuddered at the thought of the Wizard Marshal with an able and willing enabler.

"Now, we know you're a Master. My only question is which one did you summon and what was the wish you wanted granted?"

Bazett saw no reason to lie. Perhaps Phoebe could return Lancer to her.

"I summoned Lancer...but he was taken from me almost immediately by the priest."

Phoebe grimaced.

"I knew it. He tried the same thing with me, except the Servant he had lurking around was amused by me enough to let me live. I seriously doubt Jack would let him order her around without using up the command seals though. She hates men like that," said Phoebe.

Bazett had an upset look on her face.

"Is there any way I could get your help retrieving Lancer? The fact that damn priest took him makes my blood boil."

"Oh trust me, he's on a very specific list of people who will either die or end up in a living hell before this mess is sorted out. So what exactly did you want from the Grail anyway?"

Bazett blushed.

"I wanted to save my idol. Fat lot of good that did me. There's little chance I'll be able to win now."

"Let me guess. Lancer is your idol right?" asked Phoebe. Bazett nodded. "If I were to get a guarantee that no one would try to kill him and you could live the rest of your life with him without worrying about the other Servants taking him out, would you agree not to attack the others?"

"Why wouldn't they attack him?"

"The Grail was corrupted during the third war. The entire thing is rigged and if anyone managed to win then Angra Mainyu would be reborn, causing an untold catastrophe. And most of the Servants that were summoned would be just as happy living out their lives instead of killing each other."

Zelretch snorted.

While Phoebe had her back turned, finishing up the stew and cutting the bread into sizable chunks.

"What she doesn't know is that the only real battle this war is likely to see is the one for her hand. There are two Archer class spirits who have shown an interest in her specifically, and they are natural enemies. If you want, you can place your bet now on who she'll end up with," said Zelretch conspiratorially.

"A love triangle? Really?" she said, raising an eyebrow.

"Trust me, it's going to be hilarious. Especially since by all rights she seems oblivious to the fact they like her."

Bazett wasn't much for romance novels, but that did sound hilarious to watch.

Seeing the thick and well prepared Irish stew, as well as the steaming bread fresh from the oven, Bazett waited for the others to bite in, before she nearly died from culinary delight.

It was the best stew she had had in her life.

Phoebe eyed her reaction to the food and grinned.

"My mum was half-Irish, according to the goblins. I figured the best way to honor that was to learn a few traditional recipes and add my experience with potions to it. It took me several tries until I got this," said Phoebe.

"It's the best one I've ever had."

Phoebe grinned.

Once the stew was polished off (courtesy of Saber, who was a ravenous beast when it came to food) and the bread used to mop up what was left in the bowls and pot, Bazett noticed the door to the library was open.

"Feel free to raid the library. I'm not much good with Runes, so if one takes your fancy you can read it," said Phoebe.

Bazett stared.

"You're allowing an enemy Master into your library?"

"It's just a few books I took from the Black library. It's not my workshop after all, and if allowing you to borrow from it turns an enemy into an ally, then by all means."

Bazett couldn't help it. She looked at the girl like she was insane. Though it was an excellent strategy.

Treating a potential enemy as a friend and helping them was more likely to turn that person into an ally instead.

* * *

"WHAT?!" shrieked a voice from the home.

Phoebe had finished telling Rin about Kotomine stealing Lancer. She was understandably pissed.

"We're going to set a trap, and once I break his connection to Kotomine, Bazett can reapply her command seals onto Lancer. If for no other reason than to piss off that damn priest and give him a reason to send Gilgamesh."

Phoebe ignored the snickering behind her. She didn't know what was so funny about Gilgamesh and she had the feeling it would only spoil things later.

* * *

Lancer was _pissed_. Not only had his real Master been killed, but now he was stuck doing nothing but scouting until that damn priest let him fight. For a warrior it was a major insult.

Worse of all was that smug bastard. He didn't know what the deal with the gold armored jerk was, but he would gladly punch him in the face if he could get away with it.

So when he saw a girl standing on the roof with her Servant, he took the first chance he had to get any action whatsoever.

He would gladly fight this annoying red-cloaked jerk just to get his blood pumping.

So it was understandable why he didn't even notice the red and black haired woman appear out of nowhere and stab him with a thin knife.

Lancer smirked at her.

"You really think that puny little thing is going to kill me? It's not even in a vital organ!"

"Kill you? Whoever said a _thing_ about killing you?" she asked smiling. And that was when the pain hit. It was like he something was being ripped apart...and it wasn't until he felt it stop he realized what.

He wasn't getting any prana. She had cut off his connection to the damn priest, and if he didn't get a new Master soon he wouldn't last till morning.

"What the hell was that!?"

"Rule Breaker. A blade specifically created to destroy magical contracts...including command seals."

Lancer cursed. Why did his class have such terrible luck?

"Oh cheer up, dog-boy. Here's a surprise you'll actually like, especially considering it's going to royally piss off that fake priest," said the woman smugly.

"Oh yeah? How are you going to make up for the way this night has gone?" he asked, slightly curious.

She turned behind to say "You can come out now. You know the words right?"

To Lancer's eternal shock, Bazett came out of nowhere five feet from the woman from what appeared to be an Invisibility cloak.

She had her right arm restored.

"Of course I do. I had to memorize the damn thing before I even came here," she said amused. "Hello Lancer."

"But you..."

"I was just as surprised as you were. They can explain everything once I restore the seals that bastard took from me," said Bazett.

* * *

Phoebe handed him a stout beer and some more Irish food.

"Sorry about stabbing you, but it was the easiest way to break the control he had on you," said Phoebe.

Lancer took one bite of her cooking, and his eyes widened.

"Get me some more of this and all's forgiven. So long as you're not going to pull the same crap that priest did we're good."

"We're still making plans on how slowly his death is going to turn out," said Phoebe.

"Count me in," said Lancer without hesitation.

"Now, the Grail, unfortunately, appears to have been broken or corrupted during the third war. Which means any wish you try to make on it will have a nasty backlash."

Lancer grimaced.

"The only thing I want to do is fight worthy opponents."

"That's it?"

"Yup."

"So you wouldn't have a problem living with Bazett and going on Apostle hunts and forgetting all about the damn thing in the first place, correct?"

"Pretty much. So long as it's a good fight I could care less."

"Still better than Saber's original wish," muttered Phoebe. She could respect Lancer, Cu Cuchulain. She still had trouble respecting Saber...especially after seeing the way she reacted to Phoebe's cooking.

Lancer noted with amusement the look in Archer's eyes.

"You want to get into the betting pool?" asked the vampire.

"What betting pool?" asked Lancer, perking up.

"The pool on who gets her. So far we've got a few people on him and some are betting on the same Archer Servant you were dealing with in the Church."

"That bastard was an Archer?" said Lancer. Zelretch nodded. "Hell, put me on for red then! I hated that ass... wait, why would there be a betting pool on that?"

"Archer likes her, and so does the one you dealt with. Or at the very least he's got an active interest in her. It's guaranteed to be the main event of the war with the way things are going."

Lancer snickered. That was one hell of a love triangle, and from the looks of things she didn't have a clue he was even interested in her.

Then he noticed the ring.

"What about the husband?"

"If you're talking about that red haired bastard son of a whore, I threw him to the Matou clan in exchange for Sakura here. Best trade I ever made. Ron was useless and I had already made damn sure the bastard wouldn't be touching me or getting me pregnant," said Phoebe smugly. "Never piss off a veterinarian who knows how to conjure a scalpel and has no issues with unwilling castration."

Lancer, along with nearly every male in the room, winced at the blunt way she said that. More than one crossed their legs instinctively.

"So what are you going to do about the ring?"

"Once I have a suitable replacement, I'll use Rule Breaker on my copy of the contract, nullifying it and making the entire farce pointless. And once I have enough allies I'll bankrupt those English idiots and join the dwarves laughing at the goblin's misfortune because I set it so that all my gold automatically goes into their vaults instead. I'll take out two of my bigger threats in one fell swoop...and that's before I let everyone find out I never lost my magic in the first place," said Phoebe vindictively.

Lancer let out a whoop of laughter.

She was definitely his kind of woman. Too bad she was already taken if the look in Archer's eyes were any indication.

"You're one vindictive bitch," said Lancer with respect. He tipped his beer towards her, and she grinned.

"I could always give you guys front row seats to the wizards realizing I've pulled the rug out from under them. Want to hear how?"

"Hell yes!"

Lancer wasn't the only interested party. Phoebe dealt out more food and drinks, before she started telling them how she started small with poker and then started collecting life debts and the claim to 'Right of Conquest' when she killed off certain Death Eaters who had no heirs. But the biggest one was killing Voldemort.

Goblin law states that when a Master is taken down and he has _marked_ followers, then anyone who kills that person can claim the followers as well, or at least their gold. To willingly take the mark of another was a sign of slavery, in goblin eyes.

The Death Eaters, arrogant fools that they were, had no idea she had been saving up to do this since she found that out. And considering how many joined him before the end...she could very well wipe out most of Britian's gold supply.

Goodness knows the dwarves were more than happy to keep her gold safe if it meant royally pissing off the goblins legally. They hated them ever since they managed to secure the wizard's help and forced them to slowly forget their heritage.

A good example was Lockhart's ineptly named 'cupids'. The dwarves were down on their luck, and it showed when they agreed to do that crap.

Hence why Phoebe had chosen to go to them rather than the gnomes. Sure the interest rate would be lower, but frankly the idea of securing allies meant more to her than gold did.


	9. Chapter 9

Gilgamesh was pissed off. Not only was Kotomine bitching about how Caster had stolen Lancer, but now he was restricted to the Church until he could get another Servant.

Gilgamesh decided not to tell the idiot it wasn't Caster who stole the Irishman. It was the girl who kept getting more and more interesting the longer he watched her.

Phoebe had never bothered to block scrying outside of wizard's wards.

Gilgamesh slipped past them with ease, and watched the girl from afar when he was stuck in the church.

Hearing her plan to get revenge only made her more desirable in his eyes. She had a spine to her that most mortal women wouldn't.

Even his Saber, the woman who gleefully acted as the testing dummy for the girl's cooking, didn't have that sort of survival skill.

Saber interested him because under no circumstances would she _ever_ submit to him.

Phoebe Potter-Black interested him because she had something Saber didn't. The ability to hide in plain sight and strike at the perfect moment. She had little use for gold, but she did have use for revenge. Listening to her plans to ruin the people who had betrayed her made him very pleased.

She had started slowly, but once things came to a head she would use their own laws against them. Yes, she could be like any other female...her interactions with that pitiful Assassin class brat and in the kitchen made that evident. But unlike Saber, she kept that steel in her in everything she did. She had grace about her that the blond simply...lacked.

It was rather appealing.

What wasn't was the way that red Archer kept looking at her.

The girl was _his_, not that nameless upstart. He would have to make an example out of him before the end.

Gilgamesh was not the only one observing the British witch.

Caster, the Witch of Betrayal, had been watching her as well. Ever since she realized that the girl had been gathering the other Masters and dissuading them from the Grail, she had been curious.

Finding out she wasn't lying about the state of the Grail, which made her feel filthy just being that close, Medea wondered if the girl could assist her.

After all, they would have to have similar mindsets if she was able to use the actual Rule Breaker and not a cheap copy made from the Throne of Heroes like she was, to any real effect like she had with Lancer.

Medea had to admit, seeing the look of fury on that fake priest's face was particularly enjoyable.

The mere fact she was able to use it at all spoke volumes of her personality.

Still, she couldn't have the other Masters interrupting their chat.

* * *

Phoebe took one look at her surroundings, noticed Jack was with her, and calmed down.

She had Rule Breaker with her as a last resort. She had gotten used to carrying it because it was so damn useful.

"Relax, little witch. I merely wish to speak with you without having your...friends...coming down on me."

Phoebe turned to come face-to-face with what she could only assume was Caster, the last Servant she had yet to meet.

"Caster, I assume?"

"Indeed. I've been watching you, as has another. I must admit, seeing a modern witch able to wield my dagger with such ruthless efficiency was a pleasant surprise."

Jack growled, and switched to her armor before going to her 'mother'.

"Momma, should I kill her?" she asked.

"Easy Jackie. I think she just wants to talk for now. If you're claiming Rule Breaker as yours, then you must be Medea, correct?"

Medea pulled off her hood, revealing her face.

"A smart one you are. I overheard your talk about the Grail and I was unhappy to learn you were not exaggerating."

"You want me to add you to the list of those who would be just as happy to forget about the war?"

"It depends. How exactly are you going to deal with the interloper who plans on summoning an eighth Servant just to take it from under you?" asked Medea evenly.

She was aware that Zouken sought the Grail. And since he was passed over as a Master, despite having the body for it, he would have to summon an extra Servant and try to take out the others.

"This interloper wouldn't happen to be inhabiting a gangly overweight red head would he?"

Her expression said it all.

"I was looking for a reason to have him killed. And as long as it's done by someone not part of the group, the idiots can't pin it on me later," said Phoebe with annoyance.

"Who is he anyway?"

"My hopefully soon-to-be-former 'husband'. Like you, I wasn't given much choice in partners...however I outmaneuvered the bastards who set me up. I castrated him before he could even touch me and turned him into my personal shield against a second attempt. As long as he was alive, they couldn't force me to marry a second time just to produce an heir," said Phoebe matter of fact, as if she were discussing the weather.

Medea blinked. She was starting to see why Rule Breaker bonded to her.

"What is your opinion of the gods?"

"With the exception of Loki and those that rule the Underworld, they're almost all assholes."

Medea smiled.

"And of my legend?"

"Aphrodite is a loose-legged whore, and Athena is a stuck up crone with her nose in the books. Quite frankly I firmly believe the Fates of any culture must have it out for me," said Phoebe without any hesitation whatsoever.

Oh yes, Medea could like this young woman.

"If I might make a suggestion towards who to take care of the... problem?"

"I'm listening," said Phoebe.

"There is a certain Archer spirit who has become more and more interested in you. If you were to lay down some subtle hints, he might go and deal with the worm himself, if only to get rid of an obstacle he could care less about."

It took her a moment to figure out who she meant, before an evil smile came to her face.

Sending Gilgamesh to deal with that pureblood ponce (who was likely ruing the day he 'married' her, never mind met her)? Yeah, that sounded like it would be hilarious.

"I wonder if he'd be offended if we brought score cards to show what we think of his performance?" she mused out loud.

Medea evidently heard her, because she let out an amused laugh.

* * *

Phoebe ran into EMIYA almost immediately after she left the temple gates.

Along with a large contingent of others.

"What happened?"

"Caster wanted to talk. Gave me a warning Zouken might try to pull a fast one and suggested I send Gilgamesh his way to deal with it. She's not as evil as she was painted, and said she would be willing to forget the Grail so long as I could find a way to keep her around so she could marry her boyfriend properly."

"You could always add her to the 'Knight' function of Prism, and call on her whenever you need her help," suggested Sakura.

"Huh. That might work. Especially since her boyfriend is a muggle without any magic at all."

Most people would only see Medea for her legend, and remember the fact she betrayed and murdered her brother, and then killed her own children because Jason dumped her for a younger woman.

Then again, most seem to forget Aphrodite forced her to fall in love with Jason to help him on his quest, and that she never asked to be turned into a pawn.

Phoebe knew _exactly_ how betrayed Medea felt. It was the same way she was when she realized that yes, they were forcibly marrying her to a man she had grown to hate because he was a jealous bigoted ass who had the tact of a two year old and all the empathy of a door.

"Where are you heading?" demanded Rin.

"To give the Golden King a shiny new target to blast away his boredom with," came the deadpan response. Before she looked at Sakura "If you have any items left in that house you have any sentimental value to, tell me now, because I don't think Gilgamesh is going to be interested in keeping the house intact."

Sakura shook her head.

"Outside of a picture of my mother, everything else is replaceable."

"Which one?" was Rin's immediate response.

Sakura quietly told her, and Rin shook her head.

"I can get a copy of the one I have in my room."

"Or you can make new ones. Did you know pictures taken inside a pensieve are about the same as if you had been there twice?" said Phoebe.

The two turned to look at her in shock.

"Seriously?"

"Cameras are one of the few things _not_ effected by magical fields. Well, the older models anyway. I've had to replace my entire photo album with my parents in it after the war. I couldn't get a hold of the same people Hagrid did, so I tried other methods. Eventually I took a camera with me into the thing and found they developed like normal pictures, just with a better shot since you can freeze a memory. Like a former friend of mine once said, Wizards trade common sense for 'power'."

"So how are you going to get Gilgamesh to kill Zouken for you?"

"Same way I'd do it if Archer wasn't already associated with me. Tell him if he wants a chance he'll have to get rid of the pest in his way, seeing as how I can't exactly break that stupid contract without someone tolerable to replace him lined up."

"Wait, you could have broken the contract already?" said Rin.

"There's a clause stating I would have to marry a male of the Weasley line if Ron fails to get me pregnant. Only way to get the pure bloods off my ass is to find someone of a older, more established bloodline that would be considered an upgrade. Why else do you think I haven't killed the bastard myself yet?" said Phoebe in disgust.

So long as Ron was alive, he had a 'chance' of producing an heir the Potter and Black family. And he might have if Phoebe hadn't castrated him almost immediately after the wedding itself. And as long as he was alive, they couldn't force her into another farce of a marriage.

Which was the only reason she never killed him outright.

"Wait, the only reason you never killed him personally is because you needed a 'superior' bloodline to marry into?" said Archer incredulous.

"The English are a bunch of mindless, backwards morons. The Weasleys just _barely_ hold any rank in the pureblood social pyramid and that's because they've kept the bloodline up to 'standards'. Marrying Ron into the Potter family was more of a gamble seeing as how my line is much more acceptable and people thought I was a 'lost cause' since everyone believed my magical core fractured after the fight with Voldemort. If I killed him now, then some other lower ranked pure blood would try to marry into my family, and the only way to get them to back off would be to prove I was 'magically superior', which would mean revealing I had simply quit using my magic instead of lost it. It was simply easier to keep him alive until I found someone more tolerable to replace him before I got my revenge," explained Phoebe patiently.

"Wouldn't that go against your personal code of loyalty though?" asked Sakura.

"Why should it? I never _chose_ Ron to be my 'husband' and I sure as hell didn't want any kids by him. I refuse to turn into his mother, who is a harridan of the highest order. However there are a few clauses in the contract stating that I would forfeit the entirety of my family fortune to the Weasleys if I killed him personally, never mind the fact some other asshole would try his luck considering I'm still considered an acceptable brood mare. However if I were to simply make innocent comments within hearing of someone who killed him for their own reasons, then they can't come after me. Fortunately I would have a month before anyone would try their luck, which is why I was so glad to come to Japan in the first place."

Archer was silent.

Phoebe might be a ruthless bitch, but at least she had a sense of loyalty he could appreciate. And a sense of justice he had long since lost.

"What exactly would qualify as a 'superior bloodline' though?"

"I have no idea. But I'm betting someone who manages to make it to the Throne of Heroes would qualify," said Phoebe shrugging.

Anyone who made it far enough to reach the Throne upon death had to have a strong bloodline worthy of adding to any family. And if they were magical, the better.

Phoebe then stopped, turned to face the group and had a decidedly innocent look on her face.

"And by the way, I know about the betting pool."

"What betting pool?" said Archer suspiciously. He turned to look at Rin, who had a smug expression on her face.

"It's either you or this Gilgamesh idiot. We're trying to figure out who she ends up with, since that's likely to be the only real fight of the entire war," replied Rin.

Archer choked.

"Seriously?"

"Even if you lose, I'll still see what I can do about transferring that contract with Alaya to me, if only so you not stuck cleaning up after morons again."

Frankly she was shocked the Counter Guardians were never called in to deal with Voldemort.


	10. Chapter 10

**_Guess who turned 27 today..._**

**_That's right folks, me! Today's my birthday and so far it's starting to make up for the crappy week I've had. And to show my appreciation to the fans, I'm updating two stories! This one and the HP drabbles. Enjoy!_**

* * *

Gilgamesh was a bit baffled as to why she had another Archer class Servant with her.

"What do you want?"

"A contest. Winner get a special prize at the end."

Archer evidently had an inkling as to what the prize was, but wasn't talking.

"What sort of contest?"

"I'm sure you're aware of the worm that lives in the mansion? The one I tricked?" she said calmly.

Of course he knew. He found it hilarious she had duped the pitiful Magi so easily.

"I've gotten good intel that he's going to try and summon an extra, and considering the last extra has pretty much ruined the Grail now, we have no interest in an interloper in the game. Which is why we're going to have a contest to see who can kill the worm permanently first."

"Interesting. What are the rules?"

"No Noble Phantasm that can destroy the mansion in one blow, or spells. We want to make the worm sweat until he finally ends up dead. Another thing is that when you kill the fat red head, we want to see him dead, or at the very least blown up. Any looting you do is fine, and you don't need to care about any extras like the teenaged moron that also lives there. We're going to lace the place with several wards that will avert any...mundane...attention, at least until the place is firmly up in flames and it's already over. Official cover story is gas explosion with bomb materials. In other words Shinji was planning something," said Phoebe with a straight face.

Gilgamesh looked intrigued.

"And what exactly is this mysterious prize?"

"That would be telling, now wouldn't it," said Phoebe smiling mysteriously.

Gilgamesh spared at glance behind him. He either humored her and killed an irritating insect, or he stayed at the church to wait for the worm to come up with yet another pest.

Screw it, the priest never let him do anything fun and he was curious as to what the prize was.

"Count me in."

"Just so you know, there will be a few watchers with popcorn and snacks to watch the place burn," said Phoebe cheerfully. Rin and Sakura were eager to see the end of the Matou family, and Shiro would be supplying the snacks.

"You're going to be recording it for later right?" said Archer.

"Zelretch will be. He's also the one going to announce the winner," said Phoebe.

Archer grimaced.

* * *

The first indication he had that something bad was about to happen was his ward scheme exploding. Zouken had been around since the _first_ Grail war, and as such he was well aware of Gilgamesh's Gate of Babylon.

This was not his Gate.

This was something much more dangerous.

* * *

"I knew there was a reason I hated you," said Gilgamesh glaring at the other Archer spirit.

"If it makes you feel any better, I still think you're an asshole," said Archer flatly.

Gilgamesh's glare redoubled.

"So what the hell is this special prize about anyway?"

"Are you aware the red head in the house has a magical contract tying him to the girl? She needs someone not affiliated with her in any way, shape, or form to deal with him before she breaks the contract, otherwise the ones who made it will try to rob her blind and force her to marry a second time thinking she can't do anything about it."

Gilgamesh blinked. He was not an idiot.

"The red head is her husband isn't he?"

"She neutered him before he had a chance to enjoy married life, and kept him drugged after."

When Gilgamesh got a good look at the red head, he could understand why. He was repulsive, and who knew what he looked like before she was through with him.

Either way he wasn't allowing such an obstacle to remain. He could barely stand the presence of the Archer servant next to him spending so much time with the girl who caught his interest.

Especially since this Servant had the most annoying ability to _copy_ HIS treasures!

"So why were they so amused to see us together?"

"Because this made the betting pool explode," deadpanned Archer.

"Betting pool? There's a betting pool?"

"Ask them once we're done. Odds are you'll end up as amused as she was once she found out what it was for," said Archer dryly.

* * *

Phoebe was reading a collection of poems to Jack while they waited for the explosions to start. It was a bit like fireworks in a way.

They were taking turns on alerting the others when the show was about to start.

"_Do not go gentle into that good night,_

_Old age should burn and rave at close of day;_

_Rage, rage against the dying of the light._

_Though wise men at their end know dark is right,_

_Because their words had forked no lightning they_

_Do not go gentle into that good night._

_Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright_

_Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,_

_Rage, rage against the dying of the light._

_Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,_

_And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,_

_Do not go gentle into that good night._

_Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight_

_Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,_

_Rage, rage against the dying of the light._

_And you, my father, there on the sad height,_

_Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray._

_Do not go gentle into that good night."_

Saber, who had been listening to Phoebe read the book aloud for Jack's benefit turned to face her.

"That's quite good. Who wrote that?"

"A man named Dylan Thomas. It's called '_Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night._' I was really into poetry before I ended up in that magic school and I even wrote a few that were given awards under a pseudonym,"said Phoebe.

"Really? Can you name a few?"

"I can do you one better. I made another one recently to send into the English Literature society under my old name. Want to hear it?"

There wasn't going to be much action for another five minutes, so they nodded.

"_Come hither oh children of the world_

_As I sing to you the songs of old_

_Of knights and kings and faerie wing_

_Hear this angel's voice sing_

_Of victory, joy, betrayal and woe_

_Beware the pitfalls of pride my love_

_Or you shall fall as softly as a dove_

_Though the song ended in sadness_

_It was sung forever more_

_The greatest of kings and_

_The bravest of knights_

_Took refuge in the hearts of all_

_A sword given by the Courts of the Fae_

_Promised Victory is what the bards all say_

_A sheathe granted youth eternal_

_Guarded against all things infernal_

_A maiden's heart bound by fate_

_She never found love till near too late._

_A loyal knight, bound by honor_

_Fell to love, to his great sorrow."_

Saber was wide eyed, as it was clear she was talking about her legend. Well her and Lancelot.

"You do realize that popular opinion is that King Arthur was a man right?"

"Not like I'm supposed to care. I would just have to tweak it a bit and no one would tell the difference."

"I like it," said Saber finally, once she got over her shock.

"Someone pass the popcorn," said Caster.

Phoebe had offered to let Medea watch after she told her _why_ she had set the King of Heroes on Ron and Zouken. All she had to hear was the words 'forced marriage', 'illegal contract', and 'end of a pest' and she was all for it.

It sounded far too much like what happened to her a long time ago, hence why she was all for it.

Besides, she still got the giggles when she heard how Phoebe had kept her 'husband' from touching her, let alone get in her way. She wished she had the same presence of mind to do the same to that damn Jason when she was alive.

"So Phoebe, what are you going to do once this 'war' is over?" asked Rin, pouring some tea. Archer and Gilgamesh were working on the wards, mostly because Phoebe had banned anything that would do massive damage. She wanted to make sure that Zouken (and by extension whatever was left of Ron) was dead beyond any chance of help. That meant taking their time and making sure it was done right, not blasting the mansion to kingdom come.

"Well I have a few options, or I will once I bankrupt the English wizards and tie off a few loose ends. I could move here and become a full time veterinarian. I could study more magic. I could live up to my ancestor's legend..."

"What ancestor? Godric Gryffindor?" joked Rin.

"Iskander," said Phoebe. Rin spewed her tea halfway past the blanket.

"You're related to the _King of Conquerors?!"_

"I always thought my mother must be Irish or something to have hair this red. Turns out my grandmother had a one-night stand with the last descendant of Alexander the Great, which is why my mother and 'aunt' look almost nothing alike or have anything close to a similar personality. Should have seen my face when I found out," said Phoebe.

"Explains the personality quirks. Iskander had a bigger-than-life attitude as well," said Saber dryly.

Now that she was looking for it, she could see Iskander in Phoebe. The charismatic attitude, the way she planned on getting her payback on the English wizards, the fact she was so good at those video games she kept beating Zelretch at.

Well...that and the fact the red streaks in her hair was almost the _exact_ same shade Iskander had.

"Well here's a better question. What are _you_ going to be doing once we dismantle the damn thing?" countered Phoebe.

"What do you mean?" asked Shiro.

"I mean what are Epic Heroes going to do once the Grail is dismantled and they get to live in the modern era? Become mercenaries?" Phoebe clarified.

Jack promptly hugged her Master/mother.

"I still with momma," said the Assassin-class firmly.

"Obviously, but what about the others? I mean I seriously can't see Lancer working a nine-to-five job. Caster and Rider I could see settling down, but Lancer, Herakles, Saber and Archer...not so much."

That got them to pause. What would they do with their life if they weren't going to fight for the Grail?

"Lancer can come back to Ireland with me. Root only knows my family would be thrilled to meet him, if only because he's a Runesmaster," said Bazett finally.

"We already know Archer is planning to break his contract with me to be your 'Knight', and Saber doesn't look like she would be too thrilled to settle down and live the life of a boring housewife," said Rin.

"No way am I giving up my Herakles," said Illya, having come to watch the show. Phoebe had said she would ignore any looting, and Sakura certainly didn't care for the Matou clan's magecraft after what they had done to her.

So the complete destruction of a rather pathetic clan was something she definitely wanted to watch...especially since the only thing worth stealing from the place in their opinion was the notes Zouken left on the Grail system he helped to put into place centuries ago.

"You could always sick him on the Einzberns for lying to you," suggested Phoebe innocently.

Illyasviel shook her head.

"As much as I hate him for tricking me, they're still family. Besides, odds are I won't even last to see the end of the Grail Wars."

"And if I happened to be in contact with a Master Alchemist who currently runs Atlas who would be delighted at the chance to royally piss off your 'grandfather'?"

At that, ever Magus and Servant aware of who ran Atlas turned to look at her.

"You know Nicholas Flamel?"

"Long story short my former headmaster did something monumentally stupid and used a fake philosopher's stone as bait for a leech. He didn't know it was a fake, and he definitely had no idea I stole the thing. I contacted Flamel asking him if he could help me either hide it or get rid of the thing so no one else could have it. Imagine my surprise when he told me it was a fake and that I could keep it anyway. Apparently he wasn't happy with how my headmaster handled me from the start. I'm sure he'd be happy to fix whatever modifications your family did if I asked him properly."

"I don't get it. You've got pretty much _everything_ you could want, or you could get it easily. Why did the Grail pick you? What wish could possibly be too difficult for someone like you?" asked Rin baffled.

It was something that had bothered her upon realized Phoebe could literally do whatever she wanted, and yet she was still missing something.

"If I had one regret, one wish...it would be to change the past."

Saber gave her an odd look.

"You bit my head off for wanting to change the way things happened. And yet here you are saying you would wish to change things."

"Let's get one thing clear Saber. You wished to change the selection of the king, changing the future drastically. What if the one who drew Caliburn were a tyrant and not a noble knight? What I want to do is similar at first, but my motivation is completely different. You _saved_ lives when you became king. If I were to change the past I would save those who should never have died in the first place."

Rin's eyes widened in realization.

"Dumbledore. You want to go back in the past and warn yourself not to trust Dumbledore or take out Voldemort before he regained full strength."

Phoebe looked sad, her eyes distant.

"So much pain. So much death. All because an extreme hypocritical pacifist believed heartless murders, rapists and pedophiles could be 'redeemed' if given the chance. And at the same time he kept throwing those who followed his every word to the wolves in an attempt to 'save' those who were better off being killed. He wouldn't even let them fight force with equal force, only stunners and nonlethal tactics. It was ridiculous. He should have been the first one killed, if only so the countless people he knowingly sent to their deaths could have been saved."

Phoebe's snort was absent of any amusement.

"The worst part? He willingly condemned an innocent child to a living hell just because he was afraid that the 'savior' would grow up with an ego to match their father, despite witness testimony that repeatedly told him the aunt hated magic. He even made sure that the child grew up abused, neglected and treated worse than a house elf, all because he wanted a weapon to mold. Even when his own watcher told him about the abuse he never intervened except to insure the mundane authorities didn't remove them."

Phoebe looked Saber in the eye, her expression haunted.

"You want to know the difference in our wish, Alturia Pendragon? You want to change things so that you don't feel guilt about the way you handled Lancelot and the others. I want to change things so that I don't have to lose everything I could have had if not for the machinations of a senile old bastard who was too afraid to get his hands dirty a second time."

And with that declaration, the first explosion _finally_ occurred.


End file.
